Sexy Healthy Wealthy

According to a new Salt Lake tribune article (click here) - Utah has “the country’s highest rate of nonmedical painkiller abuse.” 

“Utah in 2007 recorded 317 deaths related to nonillicit drugs - double the number six years earlier and far more than died from heroin, cocaine and other infamous drugs.”

Here’s the beautiful thing, the reason why I want to make out with attorney general Mark Shurtleff:  he went there–oh yes he did…Here’s his quote:

“Mark Shurtleff on Wednesday attributed part of Utah’s problems to the Mormon culture, which discourages alcohol and illicit drugs but is more tolerant of prescriptions.  “In some societies, they have a problem and they self-medicate with alcohol,” said Shurtleff, who said he took painkillers during his long recovery from a 2007 motorcycle crash but was careful to use the medication properly and no longer uses it.

Shurtleff said Utah also suffers from a communication problem where people with problems and addictions do not want to discuss them.

“We are a pill-popping society,” Shurtleff said.

Actually the funniest thing about this is how he is careful to let you know that *his* painkillers are gone…Hahahah.  But he said this thing OUT LOUD, which is awesome.

One of the first things I noticed when I moved to Philadelphia from Utah was that my Weight Watcher meetings I was leading were, well, quite different than the ones in Utah.  I’ll never forget my first meeting….a woman raised her hand and said that she was having a hard time sticking to the plan because she was having a difficult time with her son being in jail.  WHAT?!?  Another leader brought her grandchild to work and told everybody in line that she was babysitting while her daughter was at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.  I think my jaw dropped…I didn’t even know what to say….You don’t just SAY STUFF like that in Utah, especially to a group of strangers and more especially to a group of women strangers.  The foremost thought in every Mormon’s mind is “WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK”?  As a woman, the only thing that is expected of you is to be a mother, and you better be a darn good one because geez, if you can’t get even that simple thing right, what good are you?  The only way to measure if you are a good mother is by your children and how wonderfully Mormon they are, how strong they are in the Church, how many grandchildren they have faithfully reproduced for your shiny happy Temple-loving family.  So if your child actually has *gasp* problems….it’s best to keep that a secret.   Hence, going back to this post–(click here)– appearance is everything.  Again:  APPEARANCE IS EVERYTHING. 

And I would have never ever realized that if I hadn’t moved out and seen how the rest of the world operates.  Philadelphia is so REAL.  It’s filthy.  It’s dirty.  People are loud. People are mean.  People honk a lot.  People laugh really really loud.  People curse at each other on the street.  I LOVE IT.  It is absolutely raw….and profoundly refreshing.

Mormons feel that they are misconstrued in the media, they feel that they are misinterpreted and misunderstood.  In a lot of ways, they are.  But, to any Mormons out there–the way that you feel about bars and alcohol is ALSO misunderstood and misconstrued to YOU.  Most Mormons have never set foot in a bar, or even drank tea–let alone alcohol.  Here’s what you don’t understand:  Alcohol makes you talk.  Alcohol makes you talk FREELY.  So when people go to bars, they are not just going to get “wasted” and pass out in a pile of their own vomit….they are TALKING.  They are opening up to each other.  They are freely discussing their problems, their lives, what’s going on…a bar can be a sort of therapy session.  Of course there are people who drink too much, there are some that go overboard, but my heck, Utah–NUMBER ONE IN THE NATION FOR PRESCRIPTION PAINKILLERS?  You want to talk about abuse?  Of course you don’t.  Because then you’d have to talk about what’s REALLY going on.  And nobody wants that.  You aren’t even allowed to talk about the Temple, the very heart of your religion– if you happen to feel a little *uncomfortable* with the rituals and how truly unprepared you are for what goes on there.  You can’t even talk about it amongst each other.

It is so hard to have a therapist and tell her stuff.  It’s hard but I LOVE it–and she’s AWESOME.  “Okay, Crystal….so….answer the damn question.”  Hahaha she doesn’t say it that way but she only lets me skirt around things for so long.  It is hard to talk about my feelings, especially the “forbidden” ones.  And I even came from a family of people who DO talk about things more freely than most–my mom is great for that.  But the Mormon wall comes in, and there’s just a lot of things that are off-limits.  So Mormons have no outlets.  They are bottled up inside….the pressure is building….and “self-medicating with alcohol” is something that Mormon’s look down on you “others” for doing.  Being dependent on alcohol is a horrifying thought to a Mormon.  But Pain pills…a tiny pill you can take that TAKES AWAY THE PAIN- and you can keep up appearances?  Bravo. Pain pills make you smile.  And that’s what everybody wants to see.  

So Utah is creating a new task force to deal with this problem.  Doctors will be forced to prescribe less pain pills….so my question is…what are Mormons going to do?  Considering the abnormally high suicide rate…I am genuinely concerned for these people.  317 non-illicit drug deaths in 2007…DOUBLE the number of 6 years ago?  This pressure is growing stronger and more intense, especially with bankruptcies, foreclosures, and large families to support on one diminishing income–and if you take away Mormon’s only “legal” outlet, what’s going to happen?

I’m afraid.

So, Mr-I-don’t-have-any-pain-pills-at-my-house Mark Shurtleff, I commend you for taking that ONE step forward, for acknowledging the Mormon influence in this hot mess…because I’m sure you are going to get a lot of crap for it. 

If there’s one thing Mormons DO talk about, it’s about how NOT OPPRESSED they are.  Excuse me, it’s time for my yellow pill.

<This is one of my best friends, John, who I’ve known since 1996….taken in NYC…I consider him to be my favorite drug :)  >

One thing that Mormon girls grow up with is the fun activities planned to help groom you towards that beautiful fantastic dream of a temple marriage, where you are sealed together for time and all eternity.  If your family is temple-worthy, they can even be there for the ceremony. 

In the church, Young women are organized according to their age.  Between 12-13 you are a “Beehive” and your purpose statement (repeated every Sunday in class) is: “A Beehive becomes a Young Woman of Truth as she follows the promptings of the Holy Ghost, seeks truth, and strives to live and share it.”   (So weird how I remember that).

Between 14-15 you are a “Mia Maid” (pronounced MY-uh) and your statement is:  “A Mia Maid becomes a Young Woman of Promise as she honours her baptismal covenant to keep God’s commandments, to receive His blessings, and to have His spirit to be with her as she builds a loving relationship with her Heavenly Father and those around her.”

“Laurels” are between 16-17 and this is what you memorize:  “A Laurel becomes a Young Woman of Faith as she more fully experiences the Savior’s love and prepares to receive the ordinances of the temple by living, teaching, and sharing the gospel.”

And all Young Women, when they meet every Sunday, recite the following in unison:

“We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us, and we love Him.  We will stand as witnesses of God at all times, and in all things, and in all places, as we strive to live the Young Woman values, which are:  Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works, and Integrity.  We believe as we come to accept and act upon these values, we will be prepared to make and keep sacred convenants, receive the ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exaltation.  Stand for truth and righteousness.”

When you are 18 you are no longer a “Young Woman” –you are a grown and marriage and family-ready adult, and you join the “Relief Society” which is women ages 18 to 100. 

I actually met a girl at Bob and Barbara’s in Philadelphia, which is a FABULOUS dive bar that has a drag queen show every Thursday night and drink special of a can of PBR and a shot of Jim Beam for only three bucks.   It’s something you really need to experience…anyway there’s this Mormon girl there with all her friends (when you meet a Mormon at a dive bar with a drag queen show, either they are there as the DD for their friends and their eyes are WIDE OPEN THE WHOLE TIME or they are not an active Mormon anymore…please buy that said Mormon a drink because, trust me: they need it.)  So this girl wants me to “prove” that I’m a Mormon and I busted out my Young Woman values and we were instant friends-in-recovery.  Only I lost her # so if this sounds like you- we need to hang out again!

Okay, so back to this photo…this is one of our weekly activities and it must be a combined Mia Maid and Laurel activity because both I and my little sister are in it.  I was 17 and she is 15.  It’s important to build excitement in young women so they want to get married right away, and boy does this do it.  Keep in mind…it is the 90’s…but look at the modesty!  When you go through the temple you get your “garments,” which is underwear you have for the rest of your life that covers your body from over your shoulders to your knees.  Say goodbye to tank tops forever.  One perk of never going through the temple is getting bags of “immodest” clothing from friends and family who can no longer wear their cute stuff.  Yay for me!

Another funny thing about this picture is the generic warehouse ambiance in the bridal store.  Fluorescent lighting?  Ugh.  I think it helps to cover the yellowness of the rented gowns.  This is also reflected in the assembly-line-ness of your “special day”…..if you ever visit Salt Lake city just sit in Temple Square and watch the bride-go-round (especially in the summer) as bride and grooms are rotated through at a rapid rate.  The pictures in front of the Salt Lake Temple–or any of them, really (looks like a Disney castle) are beautiful–you don’t see the waiting line of all the brides behind waiting their turn.  A typical wedding reception is in the church gymnasium, with basketball hoops overhead and kids running everywhere, echoing on the hardwood floor.  Church members are in the kitchen churning out punch and keeping tables stocked with sheetcake and little sandwiches.  If you’re lucky, you can get the crowd to dance… but there’s no alcohol and that doesn’t last too long.  But where other people spend thousands and thousands of dollars on a wedding, Mormons know how to bust one out for less than two. 

My little sister loved this activity so much, she got married three times.

Warning sign of abuse #1-Pushes for quick involvement:  An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive committment almost immediately.

Anybody that has ever encountered missionaries can tell you this one.  Boys age 19 and girls age 21 spend their own money to serve a mission, supposedly called of individually by the Prophet.  You can’t pick where you go, which is unfortunate for my little brother who dreamed of South America but was instead called to the Detroit Michigan mission.  For TWO YEARS.  Sounds like a jail sentence to me, but he was…er….”thrilled.”

So there are a set number of “Discussions,”  I believe they now call them “Lessons.”  These missionaries have been extensively trained at the Missionary Training Center in Provo, trained on sales skills.  They prescribe to what’s called the Committment Pattern.  “Investigators” (those who are interested in the Church) are asked to commit to various things during each lesson, such as stopping smoking, drinking, going to meetings, etc.  On the third lesson they are asked to commit to baptism.

Which is GREAT, if you knew exactly what you were getting into….being a Mormon is not something you can just half-ass.  There are plenty of jobs to do.  And if you have any questions about the Church that are….problematic?  There’s something called “giving the milk before the meat”….which basically means they want you to FEEL good (think of the last movie you saw that made you cry….that “feeling” is what they call the “spirit” and if you cry that means you have it, and the missionaries high-five each other on the way out) because as long as they can get you to feel emotional about something then you won’t be asking any of the hard questions.

WHY is it so important to be a member before you know anything about the Church, even before you’ve had a chance to read the whole Book of Mormon?

Another way the church pushes for quick involvement is with marriage and starting families.  Utah has the youngest population in the US…members marry quite young and have children right away.  In the Temple, the young couple is commanded (not something you take lightly) to “multiply and replenish the earth.”  I can see how this was important when there were….TWO people, but billions?

WHY?  WHY not wait?  Why get involved so quickly….What is the rush?

I suspect it has more to do with money than their rush to get you into the Celestial Kingdom.  As I posted here, there are only a dozen or so men at the top of this multi-billion dollar corporate ladder- highly successful business men, and your 10% tithing goes directly to that asset column.  The sooner they can get you to “work” in the church the better.  If they can squeeze more Mormons out of you, you’re gold.

I conclude that Yes, the Mormon Church does exhibit this particular trait that is a warning sign of abuse.

<i took this pic in chinatown, new york city>

So there’s this lovely story floating around Utah Valley of a Mormon couple who were not married in the Temple.  This couple’s relationship was pretty rocky, and eventually the wife did something to end the relationship….and her life.  Mid-argument, she jumped out of the car while it was going 75 mph on the freeway.

But the story doesn’t end there.

In classic Mormon love story fashion, this couple was “sealed” together, in the Temple, for time and all eternity.  Even though she has left this earth for now, once her husband is dead they can now be together FOREVER.

This eternal love story makes Mormons swoon….but I tend to think differently.

Dude….she’s just not that into you.

**this is my brother ty who is hilarious**

**and his girlfriend is VERY into him**

**for the record**

I remember an object lesson we had at church when I was in a Young Woman’s meeting.  The teacher unwrapped a candybar, and passed it around the class.  We all had to hold it and touch it and pass it on.  After it made it’s rounds with the class, the teacher held up the candybar and asked us who would like to eat it now?  (I actually probably would have…but I’d eat anything, hahaha) So when nobody raised their hand, she gently explained to us that this candybar was like our bodies.  We need to remain pure and chaste, no sex, heavy kissing or petting before marriage–and if we DID, well….we were like that candybar that nobody wanted because it had been touched by all these people.

This is problematic for many reasons.  I’m going with the big ones:

1.  The statistics for child abuse is around 1 in 4 kids are sexually abused at some point in their life.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest it is much higher than that, only based on personal experience regarding people I know who were sexually abused as children who had not reported it to the police.  There are also stories, some documented in the newspapers, of perpetrators who come forward with a list of ALL their victims, and in reality only one of those victims themselves had ever said anything.  Sexual abuse is Prevalent.  I’m not going to comment on whether it is more common in Utah or not, because I don’t know.  Regardless–it’s there.

So when you have a Young Woman sitting there, being compared to a candy bar, who has *already* been defiled through no fault of her own….this is going to cause problems.  In any other situation, this would be viewed as a form of mental abuse.

2.  The Young Woman’s program has a new value introduced as of last December:  VIRTUE.  Which in interpreted as staying chaste.  You remain a virtuous woman by staying a chaste woman. 
Here is what one prophet, Joseph F Smith counseled: (and generally what we are told our whole lives)

“The law of chastity is one of the most vital importance, both to children, and to men and to women. It is a vitally important principle to the children of God in all their lives, from the cradle to the grave. God has fixed dreadful penalties against the transgression of his law of chastity, of virtue, of purity. When the law of God shall be in force among men, they will be cut off who are not absolutely pure and unsoiled and spotless—both men and women. We expect the women to be pure, we expect them to be spotless and without blemish, and it is as necessary and important for man to be pure and virtuous as for woman.” Prophet Joseph F Smith

<a href=”www.lds.org” target=”_blank”>www.lds.org</a>

What happens when you get married?   Say you stay chaste up to that point….on your wedding night are you no longer “pure”, “wholesome,” or “virtuous”?   When Virtue is defined as whether or not you have engaged in intercourse, this poses a problem for women that affects them throughout their married life, and their relationships suffer. 

Mormons can’t talk about sex, and HAVING sex certainly doesn’t change that.  So many suffer in silence.  Women are trained to be the “gatekeepers” of sexuality.  We are taught that we must be strong, and we must dress modestly not to tempt the men, it is up to us to make sure that physical relations don’t involve more than a light kiss.  We are warned that Satan will try to tempt us, that all sexual and “impure” thoughts is merely Satan trying to destroy us.  We fight those sexual urges–being told to “Guard your chastity with your very life”!  So we fight them and fight them, until our wedding day.  In five minutes, we are then told to go forth and have the sex, that we can now use our sexual and sacred powers to be like the gods we are…and yet…to switch sexuality from “Satan” to “Godly” appears to be rather difficult.  I don’t know if this is easier for young men to do, as I’m not one of them, but for women this is quite problematic and really causes unnecessary pain. 

Once you are married, and if you find it difficult to embrace this thing you have been fighting so long…the church has their answer for this newfound problem.  What is it?  Satan.  Again with Satan.  THIS time, Satan is trying his hardest to NOT WANT YOU to have sex, which will destroy your relationship.

I believe that when young men and women are to deny their sexuality at all costs, under threat of severe punishment, it leads to a de-humanization effect. I believe that this de-humanization is carried forth after marriage, even when it is “legal” to engage in sexual acts. Young mormons don’t know what that means. However, if a couple is married in the Temple, it is very important to show the world that they are blissfully happy, and satisfied in every way.

 
It is no wonder that Utah leads the country in the highest paid online porn consumption (taking a little break on Sunday)….porn in and of itself is dehumanized in nature, it’s two-dimensional. When young people are not allowed to connect with their sexuality in any way, it makes it difficult to EVER be able to. I think that forbidding masturbation, forbidding anything sexual in nature Is itself a form of sexual abuse. Rigid gender roles further exacerbate, and may even be the cause of the problem.

So now 12 step programs are formed, an end result of the Church recognizing that Utah has quite a bit of a porn problem. Rather than acknowledging a hand in the problem, the church turns once again to that ever present and popular scapegoat -Satan- to explain away the issues at hand. The church’s strict policies regarding chastity are not questioned, or gender roles, nor is there any responsibility for the social issues that occur as a result. Sobriety comes in the form of staying away from porn and masturbating. Masturbation has very serious consequences for Mormons and falls under one of those vile, un-godly sexual sins. All responsibility for sexual relations falls at the hands of the spouse. Since masturbation isn’t an option, sex turns into a potential nightmare for the spouse that may have a lower sex drive than the partner, usually (not always) the woman. It is important to the woman in particular—remember, her own salvation is at stake with her husband’s worthiness—to make sure her husband is that worthy priesthood leader, the head of the household. This poses a problem—and a bargaining tool for the man to hold over his wife’s head. He is in a quandary; he wants to be righteous, but he has urges that only SHE can fulfill for him. What to do? Beg, plead, nag, threaten….all sorts of tactics can and may be used. He is in the right, she is in the wrong. It is her wifely duty to keep him away from any other form of pleasure that may tempt him.

When young men look at pornography to learn what or how to do things….it poses another problem. Women are studied in the porn to see what they like, how they should be reacting, what pleases them. The problem is that porn isn’t real, these women are actors, and I have a feeling they just might not be as “into it” as they appear to be. I have a friend who had been previously married and then married a Mormon for her 2nd marriage. They waited until they were married in the temple to have sex for the first time, he being a virgin. I think the scene from the movie Zack and Miri Make a Porno is most likely what ensued—I almost peed my pants laughing watching Zack and Miri’s scene together, thinking of how this wedding night went down. Her husband only knew about sex from porn, and this led to disastrous results, which eventually led to the end of the marriage.

 
Many young people don’t realize that they may have sexual issues until they are married as virgins, and start having sex. Sex can bring up many emotions—guilt, anxiety, sadness, pain, joy, then guilt over the joy….it is something that has been feared for an entire lifetime. One or both partners may have been sexually abused at some point in their life, and not realize its effects until they are in the bedroom.
Still others may not realize until it’s too late that they just really don’t have that chemistry that they thought they did. Chemistry can be felt to a certain degree in a kiss….but sex is a full body experience that imagination or fantasy can’t fully explore. Many young women see a penis for the first time on their wedding night. They’ve never seen a hairy butt, either, hahahah.  They are fully unprepared for their partners body, let alone intercourse. Intercourse is never explained to a young couple, this is something that must be navigated on their own.

 
Young women in particular aren’t even aware of their bodies, themselves. When I started using tampons, (at age 22 or so….) I literally had to drink to do so….hahahah–which is horribly inconvenient. My little sister (who, it turned out, knew a thing or two about sex) had to explain to me and when my mother found out—yeah, she was a little upset, to say the least. “You should not know that part of your body until”—you ready for this? You’d expect it to be marriage, right? Nope. “You should not be that familiar with that part of your body until you HAVE YOUR FIRST CHILD”. When you literally have a HEAD pushing out of you-THEN it is okay to look. Who wants THAT to be the first glimpse of their own vagina? My mom, apparently, but she is not alone in this thinking and this is not about her. This is about a system of repression that begins at a very young age and is instilled in you through your entire life.

 
This is not to say that there aren’t couples out there who have an amazing sex life, who are fully comfortable with their own and each other’s bodies. They have managed to make it through life with no negative experiences that would manifest itself when they are together. I’m sure there are couples like that out there. Who have full communication with their partners, in what they like and what they don’t like, what works, what doesn’t, what turns them on or off. They may be in sync in every way.
But I’ve found that if you want to create an automatic following amongst young LDS men and women—talk about sex. Talk about it candidly and honestly. These kids don’t get that from anywhere. They have no resources, other than “worldly” ones (porn) so they really don’t know and are literally terrified of sex. Or of being “stuck” with a partner that ends up not liking sex. Or finding out that it really isn’t that great after all.

If I can help only ONE young woman out there to know this–

YOU ARE NOT A CANDYBAR.  There is NOTHING that you can DO that will change who you are as a person.  There is nothing that anybody else can do TO you that will change your divine worth.  You are a fantastic and amazing human being, and sexual thoughts and urges are part of being human.  Anything that you do sexually does not define your worth.  You are NOT worth less if you have engaged in any of these natural, human, behaviors.  Don’t ever forget that you are a divine being, no matter what.  You could have sex with hundreds of men (or women), and still be a divine being.  That does not define you.  You have an amazing power, something that many people want….but it’s YOURS.  Own it.

And when you do find somebody you want to share it with, be honest in what you like and don’t like.  There’s nothing worse than “faking it” your first time….when he’s doing that THING that you really hate….because, honey, you’re going to have to deal with that for years.  If you don’t even know your own body, you can’t expect a guy (or girl) to….so do yourself a favor and be clear on what feels good and what doesn’t.  Hahahah, trust me, that’s a rookie error.  But if you’re only doing this marriage thing once….honesty is key. Have fun exploring.

And if marriage isn’t your thing, same thing goes.  With any and all partners.  Be the goddess that you are, when you’re having sex or not.

And practice safe sex–Utah has a law against advocating for birth control and prevention–spreading the hysteria that “if you have sex you will get pregnant and diseases.”  Well, certainly you are at a greater risk than abstinence, BUT condoms are very effective.  Birth control is very effective.  Don’t think that being married is going to shield you from diseases.  You never know what your dear sweet partner could be doing behind your back…..

And if you DO get a disease….LIFE GOES ON.  It is NOT the worst thing in the world to have happen to you.  Trust me.  Just be safe.  Even married or committed couples with a partner with HIV can prevent the other partner from contracting it.  And there’s lots of fun ways to be safe. 

And if you are having sex and feeling guilty about it—OR having sex and NOT feeling guilty about it….there’s somebody else out there that has done the same and felt the same.

You are not alone.

**this pic was taken at the American Fork, Utah temple…where us sinners waited outside after flying across the country to NOT see my sister get married**