Sexy Healthy Wealthy

One thing that always drove me *crazy* growing up in Utah was that I was expected to do all the cooking and cleaning, for the rest of my life,  just because I have a vagina.  That’s it.  For no other reason.  Because I truly believed in this–that being a wife and mother and cooking and cleaning were my sole purposes in life–if I was not able to either cook or clean I would suffer a supreme meltdown of ridiculous proportions.  Once I made a recipe that literally only had 3 ingredients–graham crackers, butter, peanut butter and powdered sugar.  Wait-that’s 4.  I’m not good at accounting either….anyway- I blew it.  I doubled the butter.  My boyfriend at the time had to witness my realization that I was *never* going to be able to get this down–and then WHAT?!  I am worthless.  As a woman, I am meaningless.  There is nothing else.  There is nothing else to expect from me.  If I can’t even do THIS simple thing, there is nothing.  And I am nothing.  I ended up sobbing on the kitchen floor in a hot mess.  He broke up with me soon after that.  Huh…I just realized those 2 may be related….

Kristin from Logan, Utah wrote me the following:

“Thank you so much for your blog.  I’m an ex-Utahn, ex-mormon also.  I don’t remember how many times throughout my life I was told I was selfish, etc. for wanting basic things out of life beyond mormon marriage and children, e.g., an education, a career, and heaven forbid, marriage as an equal partner.  I had ZERO validation from my family after earning a PhD, and a JD, becoming a partner in a law firm.  I never accomplished anything until I had a child.  - Makes me rage.”

She never accomplished anything until she had a child. 

But how much better is the rest of America…or the world?  This clip is hilarous but makes me sad.  And not just because my swiffer mop misses me.

The headline reads “Utah Bankruptcies soar 56% from a year ago…..” Full article here

Utah has a teensy debt problem.  The Church has answers: in the last General Conference (a bi-yearly 2 day event full of hypnotic speeches and lots of oreos around the TV) Mormons were taught by Robert D Hales:

“Today I speak to all whose freedom to choose has been diminished by the effects of ill-advised choices of the past. I speak specifically of choices that have led to excessive debt and addictions to food, drugs, pornography, and other patterns of thought and action that diminish one’s sense of self-worth. All of these excesses affect us individually and undermine our family relationships. Of course some debt incurred for education, a modest home, or a basic automobile may be necessary to provide for a family. Unfortunately however, additional debt is incurred when we cannot control our wants and addictive impulses. And for both debt and addiction, the hopeful solution is the same—we must turn to the Lord and follow His commandments. We must want more than anything else to change our lives so that we can break the cycle of debt and our uncontrolled wants.

Being provident providers, we must keep that most basic commandment, “Thou shalt not covet” (Exodus 20:17). Our world is fraught with feelings of entitlement. Some of us feel embarrassed, ashamed, less worthwhile if our family does not have everything the neighbors have. As a result, we go into debt to buy things we can’t afford—and things we do not really need. Whenever we do this, we become poor temporally and spiritually. We give away some of our precious, priceless agency and put ourselves in self-imposed servitude. Money we could have used to care for ourselves and others must now be used to pay our debts. What remains is often only enough to meet our most basic physical needs. Living at the subsistence level, we become depressed, our self-worth is affected, and our relationships with family, friends, neighbors, and the Lord are weakened. We do not have the time, energy, or interest to seek spiritual things.”

Then there is a sad story about buying his wife a fancy coat to show his appreciation to her and the first thing she says is “Where would I wear it?”  For some reason I think that’s sad, but maybe I’m alone there.  I mean, where would she wear it? On a date?  Hahahahah….right.

Anyway…to continue the lesson….

“The foundation of provident living is the law of the tithe. The primary purpose of this law is to help us develop faith in our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. Tithing helps us overcome our desires for the things of this world and willingly make sacrifices for others. Tithing is the great equitable law, for no matter how rich or poor we are, all of us pay the same one-tenth of our increase annually (see D&C 119:4), and all of us receive blessings so great “that there shall not be room enough to receive [them]” (Malachi 3:10).”  Full article here.

So…let me get this straight…you’re not even going to address commanding young people into having kids they can’t afford.  You’re not even going to address one-income families because women need to stay home.  You’re not even going to address the lack of education for women that absolutely have to work.  You’re not even going to address the church as a part time job for most people, time that could be spent actually earning money to support all their kids. Really?

PAY YOUR TITHING!  10% of your income - BEFORE taxes goes to the church. 

Why on earth would these intelligent, loyal hard working people do such a thing?  They will tell you faith, they will tell you of countless blessings they have received as a result of paying tithing.  And I would have told you the same thing.

Until I reached a time, on my own, when I couldn’t afford tithing- I could barely afford rent.  I was working at a temp job, and kept very careful track of my hours and money earned.  One day I received a check in the mail.  They had sent me the same check twice.  When I tried to give it back to them, they refused.  They couldn’t take it back, with their computer system.  They said go ahead and cash it, so I did.

My roommates were overjoyed.  “It’s a good thing you pay your tithing!  SEE!  See how paying your tithing blesses you!  Good for you!  Yay!”

I couldn’t bring myself to tell them that I HADN’T been paying my tithing.  That somehow the Universe (or this benevolent computer glitch) had blessed me anyway.  And besides that, I was stunned.  And I can tell you many times of when I’ve been blessed, when money came when I needed it most.  I’ve always felt provided for–without paying any of my income to the Church.

So Mormons…..I was able to automatically give myself a full 10% pay raise….ASK ME HOW.

And don’t think that you Americans are any better in this area….what do you choose to spend YOUR money on that you’ve been told will make you happy?  Mormons are exposed to a powerful marketing plan with deep pockets. 

What’s yours?

<i took this pic in nyc, chinatown>

So one great thing about being Mormon and then stepping away from it is being able to look at everything around you with a new eye.  Because when you have to question your entire life and your entire reality as it has been shaped for you as a Mormon….you tend to question EVERYTHING else as well.  Who defines what’s real and what isn’t?  And what do they have to benefit from the belief they want you to have?

So one debate in my classes is about pornography.  There are great arguments, both for and against–in the woman’s perspective.  Some see pornography as a horrible act against women, and all women are victims of it.  Some see it as empowering to women, being able to freely express their sexuality.

But one comment made me stop. Wait a minute….I’ve heard this before–same thing, different words.

Here’s what it was: “There are some women who go their entire lives and only want to be in Playboy.” Basically, if that’s somebody’s *dream* in life, who are we to “put her down”?  Who are we to say she is oppressed, I mean, how could she be- if that is her desire and she is able to attain it?  And some will look at this woman as being able to express her sexuality on HER terms, she is declaring herself as a beautiful and sexual being–and the key word that is used is “AGENCY.”  She is FREE to do so, and we support her.

“Agency” has a history with Mormons, it started before we were all born.  Basically there was a war in Heaven (the Pre-Existence), before we came to the earth in our bodies.  Satan (who was a good guy, to begin with)(and our brother) had a plan that said, well, since Heavenly Father went to ALL THIS TROUBLE to create the earth, everybody born on it better do the right thing.  Or ELSE.  He wanted righteousness to be forced upon us.  Jesus (another brother) had a different plan.  He believed that we should have the right to choose between good and evil.  So there was this superhero battle, Satan lost and was banished from Heaven (Mormon version of it) and ever since then has spent all this time trying to lure sweet young virginal Mormons into pre-marital sex….hahahah, I mean–he was never able to have an earthly body and frankly, he’s pissed.  It’s like Donald Trump (God) said “You’re Fired”….and then “If I ever see you step foot in Manhatten again I will be so furious my last hair will come unglued.”  On top of that, he took like a third of all the spirit population that was on his side.  So Satan (and his buddies) are doing everything they can to make sure that us humans are MISERABLE, by lurking the earth and wanting us to sin.  Sin leads to misery.  It also leads to a skinny vanilla latte.  Or an appletini.  It’s all about Satan.

Dang it, can’t take the Mormon out of the girl….here I am raving on about the devil.  That reminds me, I have a birthday card from my Grandma that reads (I’m paraphrasing because I can’t find it right now):  “Dear Crystal, we love you.  It’s too bad Satan has a hold of you.  Happy Birthday, love Grandma and Grandpa.”  It is pretty funny.  OR she’s right.  Either way, at least she remembered my birthday.

So where was I? Mormons are proud of their “agency.”  They are proud of their “freedom to choose.”  This is something that was given to us.

“There are some women who go their entire lives and only want to be in Playboy.”  In Utah, women go their entire lives and only want to be a wife and a mother.  Why?  That’s basically the only option for us.  And here’s how they get you—-this is not seen as anything in the least degree of oppressive—why, it is an HONOR…a PRIVILEGE to be a wife and a mother.   When the Equal Rights Amendment proposal was gaining popularity across the country, in Utah women were taught that equal rights for women would actually be a step “backwards.”  (Hear about that here).   Now, think about this for a minute.  Being a wife and a mother (to MANY kids) is an extraordinary act of righteousness, selflessness–and brings a woman to a near angel status.  There is no greater way that a woman could honor this world, her holy calling–then by popping out as many kids out of her vagina as is humanly possible.  She is a blessed saint, “enduring to the end,” to fulfill her godly womanly aspirations.  Young women are not asked what they want to be when they grow up.  I am going to college as a 30 year old in Philadelphia and for the first time in my life, I have people actually asking me what I intend to do with my degree.  Like, they actually EXPECT that I’m going to college for a REASON.  This is such a foreign concept to me.  In Utah, the only reason to go to college is to find a righteous young man to marry.  Then you have babies and fulfill that beautiful womanly honor, and duty (all in the name of  “Agency,” mind you) only they really have no idea that there’s anything else for them out there.  I can’t tell you how maddening it is to see bright, intelligent young women in high school say “I don’t want or need to go to college.  I’m going to get married and be a mother.”  Or if they do go to college, it is a type of insurance plan for a future that may include the death of their husband, when they would be in the unfortunate position of having to take care of their kids as a single mom.  AGENCY.

So when I hear “Only thing they want to do in their life”….followed by something that only a woman can do with her uterus or vagina…I have to take a step back and say “WHAT THE HECK?”

Let’s break this down.  It is essential that Mormons feel as if they are given a “choice.”  They have “free agency” to do as they please.  But do they *really* have this “agency”?  Heck no.  They’re married and have kids before they even know what hit them…almost keeping them in a child-like state.  If they do realize, it’s too late.  Is that really agency?  And is that what all Mormon women *really* want out of life?  They will tell you YES, they will tell you that YOU are the oppressor by suggesting otherwise.  How dare YOU, an outsider, tell them what THEY want?  They know full well they can do what they want, and this is what they have CHOSEN to do.

And who benefits?  Read this.  The wealthy white males at the top of the corporation.  The Prophet, the 12 Apostles, the business team set in place to take over once America crumbles.

There is an excellent book called “Escape” by Carolyn Jessop.  She was a member of the Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints (FLDS), a polygamous group–the ones in southern Utah and Texas.  Actually, I believe, the ones that are portrayed in the compound of  ”Big Love.”  What is fascinating is that Mormon polygamous (OH I can hear the hushed screaming of Utah from here—THEY’RE NOT MORMON…DARN IT!)  are actually regular Mormons…but on crack.  Her polygamous lifestyle was a super concentrated version of Mormonism in general, complete with the superior attitude and distrust of outsiders.  And now that I’m outside of Utah…..I’m finding that Utah is actually regular America…but on crack.  The Mormon patriarchal lifestyle is a super concentrated version of Americans in general, complete with the superior attitude and distrust of outsiders.  The attitudes, beliefs, and gender roles in polygamous Utah get watered down in regular Utah.  The attitudes, beliefs, and gender roles in Utah get watered down in regular America.  If you want to study Patriarchy and its effects on society, study Utah and Mormonism.  And don’t think the rest of America is above that.  It’s still there….but in a watered down version.

Which brings me back to porn stars.  Women in Utah are excellent performers.  They have their roles they are expected to fulfill, and they do it.  They perform quite well.  They act like everything is great–SUPER, in fact.  They are on top of it all.  With a few pills here and there, they can be that perfect spouse, that perfect mother that they are “supposed” to be.  The more “righteous” ones, the ones that are looked upon as superior examples, are the ones that can perform the greatest.  You truly believe that they can have a half-dozen kids, have callings (jobs) in the church that take up all their time, and keep their house neat and tidy for visitors—ALL with a beaming smile on their face.  And a plate full of warm cookies.  And they “choose” this honorary life– the only requirement is a uterus and a vagina.  The wealthy white males in charge don’t expect much else.

The best porn stars are the ones that perform well.  They act like everything is great–SUPER, in fact.  They are on top of it all.  With a few drinks here and there, they can be that perfect lover, that perfect sex toy they are “supposed” to be.  The more “wealthy” ones, the ones that are looked upon as superior examples, are the ones that can perform the greatest.  You truly believe that they can have a half-dozen penises in their face, have every orifice in their body filled, and keep their bodies tight and hairless for visitors—ALL with a beaming smile on their face.  And a face full of warm cum.  And they “choose” this sexually expressive life– the only requirement is a mouth and a vagina.  The wealthy white males in charge don’t expect much else.

Who truly benefits from “Agency” given to women?

And what does it mean that Utah is the number one consumer of online porn?

One thing that Mormon girls grow up with is the fun activities planned to help groom you towards that beautiful fantastic dream of a temple marriage, where you are sealed together for time and all eternity.  If your family is temple-worthy, they can even be there for the ceremony. 

In the church, Young women are organized according to their age.  Between 12-13 you are a “Beehive” and your purpose statement (repeated every Sunday in class) is: “A Beehive becomes a Young Woman of Truth as she follows the promptings of the Holy Ghost, seeks truth, and strives to live and share it.”   (So weird how I remember that).

Between 14-15 you are a “Mia Maid” (pronounced MY-uh) and your statement is:  “A Mia Maid becomes a Young Woman of Promise as she honours her baptismal covenant to keep God’s commandments, to receive His blessings, and to have His spirit to be with her as she builds a loving relationship with her Heavenly Father and those around her.”

“Laurels” are between 16-17 and this is what you memorize:  “A Laurel becomes a Young Woman of Faith as she more fully experiences the Savior’s love and prepares to receive the ordinances of the temple by living, teaching, and sharing the gospel.”

And all Young Women, when they meet every Sunday, recite the following in unison:

“We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us, and we love Him.  We will stand as witnesses of God at all times, and in all things, and in all places, as we strive to live the Young Woman values, which are:  Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works, and Integrity.  We believe as we come to accept and act upon these values, we will be prepared to make and keep sacred convenants, receive the ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exaltation.  Stand for truth and righteousness.”

When you are 18 you are no longer a “Young Woman” –you are a grown and marriage and family-ready adult, and you join the “Relief Society” which is women ages 18 to 100. 

I actually met a girl at Bob and Barbara’s in Philadelphia, which is a FABULOUS dive bar that has a drag queen show every Thursday night and drink special of a can of PBR and a shot of Jim Beam for only three bucks.   It’s something you really need to experience…anyway there’s this Mormon girl there with all her friends (when you meet a Mormon at a dive bar with a drag queen show, either they are there as the DD for their friends and their eyes are WIDE OPEN THE WHOLE TIME or they are not an active Mormon anymore…please buy that said Mormon a drink because, trust me: they need it.)  So this girl wants me to “prove” that I’m a Mormon and I busted out my Young Woman values and we were instant friends-in-recovery.  Only I lost her # so if this sounds like you- we need to hang out again!

Okay, so back to this photo…this is one of our weekly activities and it must be a combined Mia Maid and Laurel activity because both I and my little sister are in it.  I was 17 and she is 15.  It’s important to build excitement in young women so they want to get married right away, and boy does this do it.  Keep in mind…it is the 90’s…but look at the modesty!  When you go through the temple you get your “garments,” which is underwear you have for the rest of your life that covers your body from over your shoulders to your knees.  Say goodbye to tank tops forever.  One perk of never going through the temple is getting bags of “immodest” clothing from friends and family who can no longer wear their cute stuff.  Yay for me!

Another funny thing about this picture is the generic warehouse ambiance in the bridal store.  Fluorescent lighting?  Ugh.  I think it helps to cover the yellowness of the rented gowns.  This is also reflected in the assembly-line-ness of your “special day”…..if you ever visit Salt Lake city just sit in Temple Square and watch the bride-go-round (especially in the summer) as bride and grooms are rotated through at a rapid rate.  The pictures in front of the Salt Lake Temple–or any of them, really (looks like a Disney castle) are beautiful–you don’t see the waiting line of all the brides behind waiting their turn.  A typical wedding reception is in the church gymnasium, with basketball hoops overhead and kids running everywhere, echoing on the hardwood floor.  Church members are in the kitchen churning out punch and keeping tables stocked with sheetcake and little sandwiches.  If you’re lucky, you can get the crowd to dance… but there’s no alcohol and that doesn’t last too long.  But where other people spend thousands and thousands of dollars on a wedding, Mormons know how to bust one out for less than two. 

My little sister loved this activity so much, she got married three times.

Warning sign of abuse #1-Pushes for quick involvement:  An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive committment almost immediately.

Anybody that has ever encountered missionaries can tell you this one.  Boys age 19 and girls age 21 spend their own money to serve a mission, supposedly called of individually by the Prophet.  You can’t pick where you go, which is unfortunate for my little brother who dreamed of South America but was instead called to the Detroit Michigan mission.  For TWO YEARS.  Sounds like a jail sentence to me, but he was…er….”thrilled.”

So there are a set number of “Discussions,”  I believe they now call them “Lessons.”  These missionaries have been extensively trained at the Missionary Training Center in Provo, trained on sales skills.  They prescribe to what’s called the Committment Pattern.  “Investigators” (those who are interested in the Church) are asked to commit to various things during each lesson, such as stopping smoking, drinking, going to meetings, etc.  On the third lesson they are asked to commit to baptism.

Which is GREAT, if you knew exactly what you were getting into….being a Mormon is not something you can just half-ass.  There are plenty of jobs to do.  And if you have any questions about the Church that are….problematic?  There’s something called “giving the milk before the meat”….which basically means they want you to FEEL good (think of the last movie you saw that made you cry….that “feeling” is what they call the “spirit” and if you cry that means you have it, and the missionaries high-five each other on the way out) because as long as they can get you to feel emotional about something then you won’t be asking any of the hard questions.

WHY is it so important to be a member before you know anything about the Church, even before you’ve had a chance to read the whole Book of Mormon?

Another way the church pushes for quick involvement is with marriage and starting families.  Utah has the youngest population in the US…members marry quite young and have children right away.  In the Temple, the young couple is commanded (not something you take lightly) to “multiply and replenish the earth.”  I can see how this was important when there were….TWO people, but billions?

WHY?  WHY not wait?  Why get involved so quickly….What is the rush?

I suspect it has more to do with money than their rush to get you into the Celestial Kingdom.  As I posted here, there are only a dozen or so men at the top of this multi-billion dollar corporate ladder- highly successful business men, and your 10% tithing goes directly to that asset column.  The sooner they can get you to “work” in the church the better.  If they can squeeze more Mormons out of you, you’re gold.

I conclude that Yes, the Mormon Church does exhibit this particular trait that is a warning sign of abuse.

<i took this pic in chinatown, new york city>

I had this teacher in 8th grade, I’ll call him “Mr. Thomas”.  Mr. Thomas was a great teacher and loved what he did.  He was single, and kept a picture on his desk of a woman character on Star Trek.  I really liked him a lot.

One day, a friend and I were passing notes in class.  Hahaha….when I was a kid we passed notes with PEN and PAPER …Anway this girl had written stuff on the paper about Mr. Thomas.  And I don’t think she was serious about it, but I can’t remember….but on this paper there was a reference to Mr. Thomas being gay.

In 8th grade, I didn’t know any gay people.  My mom had a cousin who was gay, but I really didn’t know much about it.  And I only recently found out that my mom’s gay cousin has a profession–I only knew her as the gay cousin.  Like that was her career or something.  Anyway, all I knew about gays or Homosexuality was that it was a very bad thing to be.  Mormons are taught that homosexuality is like an addiction, and it can be overcome. 

So my teacher, of course, found the note.  My name was on it, the other girl’s wasn’t.

Mr. Thomas called me out into the hall during my next class.  I had no idea what it was about, I had no idea he had found the note, and I had no idea how he would react to it.

I will never forget what happened next.

After I walked into the empty hall, and the door shut behind me, Mr. Thomas broke down.  He didn’t just shed a delicate tear, he SOBBED.  In pain.  And I, this young, naive, arrogant girl was the cause of his pain.  I didn’t know what to do, or say.  I don’t remember how it ended. 

And I’m not saying that Mr. Thomas was gay, necessarily, because I don’t know, but whatever was on that paper clearly hurt him.  I had never seen this side of things before.  I had believed that gay people knowingly chose their sin.  I hadn’t even begun to imagine the sorrow that would come from being considered “deviant” by the Norm.

Out of shame and embarrassment I never told anybody this story.  When homosexuality was discussed in my home, I would fiercely defend it, and defend the people behind it….much to the dismay of my parents.  My dad and I would get into these huge arguments over it.  They thought I just wanted to fight about something.  But those sobs coming from my teacher in that empty hallway will always haunt me.

And I will always stand up for gay people.  The courage it takes to just be your authentic self in this homophobic society is something that straight people cannot comprehend, especially in a religious environment.  There is much pain and loneliness of “pretending” to be something you’re not, just to make somebody else happy.  And in certain parts of this country, there is a very real physical threat to being an openly gay person as well (yes–I’ve spent the day in an emergency room with a friend due to a homophobic rage).

So, “Mr. Thomas”,  I am so sorry…..and I thank you for having the courage to confront me and for allowing me to get a glimpse of the pain that I and maybe countless others have ever caused you.

**i took this pic in Utah, on the way to the Great Salt Lake**

I remember an object lesson we had at church when I was in a Young Woman’s meeting.  The teacher unwrapped a candybar, and passed it around the class.  We all had to hold it and touch it and pass it on.  After it made it’s rounds with the class, the teacher held up the candybar and asked us who would like to eat it now?  (I actually probably would have…but I’d eat anything, hahaha) So when nobody raised their hand, she gently explained to us that this candybar was like our bodies.  We need to remain pure and chaste, no sex, heavy kissing or petting before marriage–and if we DID, well….we were like that candybar that nobody wanted because it had been touched by all these people.

This is problematic for many reasons.  I’m going with the big ones:

1.  The statistics for child abuse is around 1 in 4 kids are sexually abused at some point in their life.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest it is much higher than that, only based on personal experience regarding people I know who were sexually abused as children who had not reported it to the police.  There are also stories, some documented in the newspapers, of perpetrators who come forward with a list of ALL their victims, and in reality only one of those victims themselves had ever said anything.  Sexual abuse is Prevalent.  I’m not going to comment on whether it is more common in Utah or not, because I don’t know.  Regardless–it’s there.

So when you have a Young Woman sitting there, being compared to a candy bar, who has *already* been defiled through no fault of her own….this is going to cause problems.  In any other situation, this would be viewed as a form of mental abuse.

2.  The Young Woman’s program has a new value introduced as of last December:  VIRTUE.  Which in interpreted as staying chaste.  You remain a virtuous woman by staying a chaste woman. 
Here is what one prophet, Joseph F Smith counseled: (and generally what we are told our whole lives)

“The law of chastity is one of the most vital importance, both to children, and to men and to women. It is a vitally important principle to the children of God in all their lives, from the cradle to the grave. God has fixed dreadful penalties against the transgression of his law of chastity, of virtue, of purity. When the law of God shall be in force among men, they will be cut off who are not absolutely pure and unsoiled and spotless—both men and women. We expect the women to be pure, we expect them to be spotless and without blemish, and it is as necessary and important for man to be pure and virtuous as for woman.” Prophet Joseph F Smith

<a href=”www.lds.org” target=”_blank”>www.lds.org</a>

What happens when you get married?   Say you stay chaste up to that point….on your wedding night are you no longer “pure”, “wholesome,” or “virtuous”?   When Virtue is defined as whether or not you have engaged in intercourse, this poses a problem for women that affects them throughout their married life, and their relationships suffer. 

Mormons can’t talk about sex, and HAVING sex certainly doesn’t change that.  So many suffer in silence.  Women are trained to be the “gatekeepers” of sexuality.  We are taught that we must be strong, and we must dress modestly not to tempt the men, it is up to us to make sure that physical relations don’t involve more than a light kiss.  We are warned that Satan will try to tempt us, that all sexual and “impure” thoughts is merely Satan trying to destroy us.  We fight those sexual urges–being told to “Guard your chastity with your very life”!  So we fight them and fight them, until our wedding day.  In five minutes, we are then told to go forth and have the sex, that we can now use our sexual and sacred powers to be like the gods we are…and yet…to switch sexuality from “Satan” to “Godly” appears to be rather difficult.  I don’t know if this is easier for young men to do, as I’m not one of them, but for women this is quite problematic and really causes unnecessary pain. 

Once you are married, and if you find it difficult to embrace this thing you have been fighting so long…the church has their answer for this newfound problem.  What is it?  Satan.  Again with Satan.  THIS time, Satan is trying his hardest to NOT WANT YOU to have sex, which will destroy your relationship.

I believe that when young men and women are to deny their sexuality at all costs, under threat of severe punishment, it leads to a de-humanization effect. I believe that this de-humanization is carried forth after marriage, even when it is “legal” to engage in sexual acts. Young mormons don’t know what that means. However, if a couple is married in the Temple, it is very important to show the world that they are blissfully happy, and satisfied in every way.

 
It is no wonder that Utah leads the country in the highest paid online porn consumption (taking a little break on Sunday)….porn in and of itself is dehumanized in nature, it’s two-dimensional. When young people are not allowed to connect with their sexuality in any way, it makes it difficult to EVER be able to. I think that forbidding masturbation, forbidding anything sexual in nature Is itself a form of sexual abuse. Rigid gender roles further exacerbate, and may even be the cause of the problem.

So now 12 step programs are formed, an end result of the Church recognizing that Utah has quite a bit of a porn problem. Rather than acknowledging a hand in the problem, the church turns once again to that ever present and popular scapegoat -Satan- to explain away the issues at hand. The church’s strict policies regarding chastity are not questioned, or gender roles, nor is there any responsibility for the social issues that occur as a result. Sobriety comes in the form of staying away from porn and masturbating. Masturbation has very serious consequences for Mormons and falls under one of those vile, un-godly sexual sins. All responsibility for sexual relations falls at the hands of the spouse. Since masturbation isn’t an option, sex turns into a potential nightmare for the spouse that may have a lower sex drive than the partner, usually (not always) the woman. It is important to the woman in particular—remember, her own salvation is at stake with her husband’s worthiness—to make sure her husband is that worthy priesthood leader, the head of the household. This poses a problem—and a bargaining tool for the man to hold over his wife’s head. He is in a quandary; he wants to be righteous, but he has urges that only SHE can fulfill for him. What to do? Beg, plead, nag, threaten….all sorts of tactics can and may be used. He is in the right, she is in the wrong. It is her wifely duty to keep him away from any other form of pleasure that may tempt him.

When young men look at pornography to learn what or how to do things….it poses another problem. Women are studied in the porn to see what they like, how they should be reacting, what pleases them. The problem is that porn isn’t real, these women are actors, and I have a feeling they just might not be as “into it” as they appear to be. I have a friend who had been previously married and then married a Mormon for her 2nd marriage. They waited until they were married in the temple to have sex for the first time, he being a virgin. I think the scene from the movie Zack and Miri Make a Porno is most likely what ensued—I almost peed my pants laughing watching Zack and Miri’s scene together, thinking of how this wedding night went down. Her husband only knew about sex from porn, and this led to disastrous results, which eventually led to the end of the marriage.

 
Many young people don’t realize that they may have sexual issues until they are married as virgins, and start having sex. Sex can bring up many emotions—guilt, anxiety, sadness, pain, joy, then guilt over the joy….it is something that has been feared for an entire lifetime. One or both partners may have been sexually abused at some point in their life, and not realize its effects until they are in the bedroom.
Still others may not realize until it’s too late that they just really don’t have that chemistry that they thought they did. Chemistry can be felt to a certain degree in a kiss….but sex is a full body experience that imagination or fantasy can’t fully explore. Many young women see a penis for the first time on their wedding night. They’ve never seen a hairy butt, either, hahahah.  They are fully unprepared for their partners body, let alone intercourse. Intercourse is never explained to a young couple, this is something that must be navigated on their own.

 
Young women in particular aren’t even aware of their bodies, themselves. When I started using tampons, (at age 22 or so….) I literally had to drink to do so….hahahah–which is horribly inconvenient. My little sister (who, it turned out, knew a thing or two about sex) had to explain to me and when my mother found out—yeah, she was a little upset, to say the least. “You should not know that part of your body until”—you ready for this? You’d expect it to be marriage, right? Nope. “You should not be that familiar with that part of your body until you HAVE YOUR FIRST CHILD”. When you literally have a HEAD pushing out of you-THEN it is okay to look. Who wants THAT to be the first glimpse of their own vagina? My mom, apparently, but she is not alone in this thinking and this is not about her. This is about a system of repression that begins at a very young age and is instilled in you through your entire life.

 
This is not to say that there aren’t couples out there who have an amazing sex life, who are fully comfortable with their own and each other’s bodies. They have managed to make it through life with no negative experiences that would manifest itself when they are together. I’m sure there are couples like that out there. Who have full communication with their partners, in what they like and what they don’t like, what works, what doesn’t, what turns them on or off. They may be in sync in every way.
But I’ve found that if you want to create an automatic following amongst young LDS men and women—talk about sex. Talk about it candidly and honestly. These kids don’t get that from anywhere. They have no resources, other than “worldly” ones (porn) so they really don’t know and are literally terrified of sex. Or of being “stuck” with a partner that ends up not liking sex. Or finding out that it really isn’t that great after all.

If I can help only ONE young woman out there to know this–

YOU ARE NOT A CANDYBAR.  There is NOTHING that you can DO that will change who you are as a person.  There is nothing that anybody else can do TO you that will change your divine worth.  You are a fantastic and amazing human being, and sexual thoughts and urges are part of being human.  Anything that you do sexually does not define your worth.  You are NOT worth less if you have engaged in any of these natural, human, behaviors.  Don’t ever forget that you are a divine being, no matter what.  You could have sex with hundreds of men (or women), and still be a divine being.  That does not define you.  You have an amazing power, something that many people want….but it’s YOURS.  Own it.

And when you do find somebody you want to share it with, be honest in what you like and don’t like.  There’s nothing worse than “faking it” your first time….when he’s doing that THING that you really hate….because, honey, you’re going to have to deal with that for years.  If you don’t even know your own body, you can’t expect a guy (or girl) to….so do yourself a favor and be clear on what feels good and what doesn’t.  Hahahah, trust me, that’s a rookie error.  But if you’re only doing this marriage thing once….honesty is key. Have fun exploring.

And if marriage isn’t your thing, same thing goes.  With any and all partners.  Be the goddess that you are, when you’re having sex or not.

And practice safe sex–Utah has a law against advocating for birth control and prevention–spreading the hysteria that “if you have sex you will get pregnant and diseases.”  Well, certainly you are at a greater risk than abstinence, BUT condoms are very effective.  Birth control is very effective.  Don’t think that being married is going to shield you from diseases.  You never know what your dear sweet partner could be doing behind your back…..

And if you DO get a disease….LIFE GOES ON.  It is NOT the worst thing in the world to have happen to you.  Trust me.  Just be safe.  Even married or committed couples with a partner with HIV can prevent the other partner from contracting it.  And there’s lots of fun ways to be safe. 

And if you are having sex and feeling guilty about it—OR having sex and NOT feeling guilty about it….there’s somebody else out there that has done the same and felt the same.

You are not alone.

**this pic was taken at the American Fork, Utah temple…where us sinners waited outside after flying across the country to NOT see my sister get married**