Sexy Healthy Wealthy

SO…..if anybody’s reading this….my little sister Tiffany (I call her Tiffy Poo-Poo) responded with a comment to this post.  Now I’m not going to lie to ya–I drive my family crazy sometimes because of this.  And Tiffany is one of my favorites (I’m the oldest of 6) because this girl is not afraid to speak her mind to me, which I LOVE.  So, I’m responding in a post because I think it shows the complexities and dynamics of family members who leave–or try to leave–the Church, and besides- I have much better answers now than I did a year ago.  So, ummm……hi, internet!  Welcome to the family! Here we go.

Tiff : “Ummm what house did you grow up in. Yeah my mother had lots of kids because she wanted to and guess what I wouldn’t be here if she didn’t want to. My parents lived off of welfare for a while but made it on their own and know how to manage money very well. They never went bankrupt. They had 6 six kids and learned how to manage money but you have 0 kids and still can’t fathum how to manage money.”

Me: I am the oldest, Tiff is the fourth.  We did grow up quite differently.  I actually wasn’t trying to talk personally about MY economic situation growing up, but more of a general Utah/Mormon thing–which is why I quote Utah/Mormon articles rather than, like, my diary.  But with that being said, my parents did what was expected of them and they had kids in college.  So I remember the lean years whereas Tiff was around more when they were established. 

And yes, my mom did want all of us….although between you and me, I could have done without one or two-  hahaha, just kidding!  We actually do have a great time together.  Now this line is significant :”They had 6 six kids and learned how to manage money but you have 0 kids and still can’t fathum how to manage money.”  And Tiffany–now I can see what the problem is with me, and my lack of money…. and what is so different out here that you don’t understand.  I got married at 21, BJ was 20.  College isn’t nearly as big of a deal out there, BJ was the first to graduate in his family.  We both worked in Salt Lake for a couple of years before deciding to go to school.  We went down to Southern Utah University in Cedar City, Utah.  If anybody’s been to Zion’s National Park, or driven from Salt Lake City to Las Vegas, Cedar City is a small town inbetween.  Every time I would drive through there, I would say “HOW could anybody live here?  There are NO JOBS.”  Well, it turned out, I was right.  BJ had done a year there before, so we decided for him to finish up there.  I made a stack of resumes and went door to door down the main streets.  Nobody was hiring, and I ended up at a call center making nearly minimum wage.  Because we had made “too much” in Salt Lake the previous year, we didn’t qualify for any grants and paid for school ourselves, me supporting BJ through school.  We did a lot of things to get by, and we didn’t qualify for a grant the second year either (from Salt Lake $).  It was HARD.  I worked the call center, temp jobs, we had a business cleaning theaters…we scrambled but WE MADE IT.  Other married couples came from SL, and left because they just couldn’t afford it. One pawned their car radio for gas $$ to get home.  It was during this time that everybody was telling us to have kids, to help us out financially.  When you have a child in college, the state pays for it and you qualify for more things.  I felt uncomfortable with having kids when I couldn’t afford it on my own.  I got a lot of crap for that.  “If you wait until you can AFFORD it, then you NEVER will.”  So yeah, we didn’t have extra money to kick around.  But here’s what was said to us about it:  We didn’t have money because of our LIFESTYLE.  Because we drank.  Because we didn’t go to church.  In fact… there was one who was very vocal about this–you know who I’m talking about, Tiff–who said that was our “problem”–and if we only went to church and were more righteous we would learn to budget our money “properly” (meaning no alcohol, coffee, etc.) THAT was the reason.  (Incidentally–this person is in his 20’s, 3 kids…and now has $150,000 just in credit card debt alone. Yes, he goes to church. And yes, the big “B” is looming).  And I’m not angry at this person for thinking or saying so…that’s the belief that is reinforced in the culture, one that I truly believed in myself.  So I have been looked down upon all these years and I have felt bad about this and I took it to heart….I believed you all.  But guess what?

THAT WASN’T IT.  Tiff, do you realize that out here nobody is expected to get married in college…let alone start a family?  People here don’t have as many kids, and they PAY for their children to go to college.  They PAY for their children to live in dorms.  They PAY for their meal plans.  They BUY them cars, to get by. (Strictly speaking of members of my race/class).  And they expect them to graduate–even Grad school!  EVEN girls!!!  Tiffany, you are 25 years old and you have been married for 4 years and have a child….this is not typical out here.  And nobody is freaking out about it.  Walk around BYU campus and you hear 19 year old girls crying that they are almost 20 and not married–lamenting that they are “so old.”  Tiff- do you know how refreshing it is to hear somebody say-”I can’t be in a relationship right now–I’m ONLY 22!”  WHAT?!?  So when you all were feeling sorry for us not having money and blaming it on our sins–NOW I can see how amazing it was that we were able to do what we did, with such limited resources and NOT depending on the state or church welfare.  We did have a couple of “angels” help us out once when our fridge had defrosted and we had no food or extra $$ to replenish it–even without me paying tithing!  And you and other family helped.  So, yeah, we spent money on alcohol–not even at bars, just the cheapest crap you could find.  But can you SEE….that wasn’t the problem.  And out here everybody drinks.  It’s such a part of the college experience–we have this “Spring Fling” which is basically all the clubs get together and there’s booths and vendors and everybody starts drinking at 10 am and skip all their classes and it’s a big party.  HUH?  Tiff, have you ever HEARD of this before?  It’s like in the movies!  PG13 movies, of course….

And then after BJ graduated we decided to move to Philadelphia–bustin’ out of Utah in our little Honda Civic and whatever we could fit in it.  Coming straight out of school, I borrowed money from mom and dad.  We moved into an empty apartment and every dollar we earned had to go towards basic necessities–silverware, soap, towels, dishes–as well as paying the parents back.  I repaid them, then as we were just about to get ahead I decided it was MY TIME to go to school, and BJ supports me.  So yeah…you can look at it as I can’t “manage” money….or that under the circumstances we’re doing pretty damn well.  Most of the clothes I wear were given to me, my bed used to belong to an 8 year old boy, my silverware was $6 bucks from Ikea, my LoveSac is from my brother, we found a TV on the street and another was given to us (people have a lot of extra tvs, btw)–our biggest *splurge* thus far is a $300 kitchen table from Target.  And again, we’ve had help–my boss from Weight Watchers has been like a mother to us out here, and I really would have no clothes or shoes if she hadn’t given me her extras.  I have paid no tithing, I still drink coffee and alcohol–but I’ve had many blessings.  So here we are, back in school, paying for it ourselves (I didn’t qualify for a grant because I registered too late in the year) –hardly any extra money–but we’re doing the best we can under the circumstances.  Which is all I could expect of somebody with 6 kids, as well.  Supporting all of them is unreasonable.  That’s why I’m looking at the SYSTEM, and not just my parents.

And frankly, I’m angry that I got married so young.  Well, that’s not true.  I’m not angry that I got married so young, I’m angry that I (and the culture) thought I was SO OLD when I did it.  That when I turned 21 my other option was a mission (because I wasn’t married yet)–even though I wasn’t even going to church.  Or that when I got married everybody breathed a sigh of relief.  I would not take back the last 10 years of my life- for anything….I just think that nobody is really ready at that age.  And young couples are unknowingly being used, entwining themselves with the church forever.

 Tiff: “Our mother was a great mother in “mormon standards” she was at home made dinner, nutured all her kids. But she also made big on the “outside world” she was an avide sports fan and loved to play racket ball, she was an avid volunteer for groups that didnt’ involve mormons or church, She held her own partys inlo of her husband who hated parties. So to you I say women don’t sit around like a cardboard cut out in their homes doing what the “white man” tells them. If anything I think its the oppisite. Women are telling their husband whats going on what activities their going to do tonight . Women are making time for themselfves to fullfil their creatvitiy and imagination and knowlege.”

Me: Yes, I absolutely agree with all of this about mom–and I can see I never made that clear.  In fact, mom was a great mother, she did sacrifice a LOT to be one.  She dropped out of college to have us.  She volunteered and is an amazing organizer and planner, she has always exercised and is stronger than probably all of us.  But even she will tell you that isn’t “normal”?  She made an extra effort to be involved in the community outside of church and to take time for herself.  She was a great example.  In fact, the Mormon church gives women many responsibilities–and leadership roles as well.  (Lots of responsibility, no authority).  These women could run a company like nobody’s business.  Technically, I guess, they do.  My problem with that is that they are working these jobs for FREE.  And sacrificing their entire lives to build up this organization.  I guess if anything, it’s good experience.  Only not something you can put on a resume.  I’m just sayin’.

Tiff: “I’m going to school so that I can have a great career and that I can fulfil myself by helping others in social work. I make quilts with my husband, I paint with my son, I volunteer out side of church duties. I have a Kid (GASP) what the hell is so wrong with kids?? side note i HAVE NEVER FELT PRESSURED OR PUSHED IN TO HAVING KIDS. I have one kid and thats fine with me for now. I’ve never been told that I need to have more kids. There really is nothing in this world that is more selfless and that fulfills you as much as taking care of a child and teaching him about life and love and teaching him to be him selves and to listen to his voice inside and fulfil his own destiney. To experience life with him and be childlike with him. I can’t wait to watch him grow up and and be a valuable part of society.”

Me: That’s great to hear you are going to school!  Starting in the fall? Yahoo!  And I don’t have any problems with the kids that are born–your little guy is ADORABLE.  I love him to death and I always will.  And your big guy too!  How many Mormon men help their wives make quilts?  He is one of my favorites.  And I love all my little sisters kids.  Maybe you forgot that part of your temple wedding–that little commandment to “Multiply and Replenish the Earth”? Or really any of your Young Woman/Sunday School/General Conference/Relief Society meetings that deal with motherhood…and motherhood only.  I also wonder (I could be wrong here…tell me what you think)  how much more pressure you would be receiving if your husband was at church with you every Sunday?  My point is (for all Utah–not you)….why so fast?  Why so young?  Why not….wait?  Even just 4 years?  That’s all I’m asking for.  What is that going to hurt?  Get through college, then have kids when you have a career, when you can afford it?  I know this is a radical concept to you, and everyone out there, Tiff–but people here do it all the time.  And when you emphasize the self-lessness of having children, you are implying the selfishness of not having children.  I am not selfish for choosing to not have children right now.  That’s another repeated theme for the last 10 years.  There is nothing wrong with me wanting to wait until I’m ready.

Tiff: “I don’t fill like i’m a mouth and a vagina and thats all i need to be. thats the most degrading thing I’ve ever heard.”

Me:  I know, I was shocked myself when I said it.  Hey, if you ever see a link for a clip called “Two Girls, One Cup”–DO NOT CLICK ON IT.  It is not a video about learning to share.  Or at least, not anything you would want to share.  Wow. Moving on.

Tiff: ”If you feel that you are or you should be then i’m sorry you feel that way, truly sorry. Last point, you know The Secret when they talk about how you shouldn’t be against a cause but for a cause. So instead of “anti war” you should be “pro peace”. Well how can someone who thinks a whole state(utah) is one big fars and the LDS religion is all about money and surpressing women and all this negative crap yet you let it CONSUME you.”

Me:  This is fair.  This is one thing about leaving the LDS religion–it’s so much More than a religion, it’s not even funny.  It is very hard to re-wire your brain to think differently.  This is one thing that Mormons (I used to) use as another “proof” that that the church is true:  when people leave they can’t really “leave.”  This is why there are many people who don’t have testimonies of the church but stay in it.  It’s a long, hard path out.  Most are atheist, or agnostic at the end, or they go back because they don’t know what else to do–or it’s just easier.  Especially in Utah, you lose all kinds of networking contacts, family may dis-own you, your whole life is basically turned inside out.  In fact–I wouldn’t leave the church unless you were really really really serious about it.  Mormons are taught that people leave because they want to do a sinful behavior, so they do the behavior and then make up other reasons.  It’s not that simple, but it’s a good story.  I believed it.  They also believe that when you leave, (or are excommunicated) your countenance changes and you actually appear “darker.”  I like to say I’m just “tan”….hahahah.  ACTUALLY that is the most ironic thing, is this past few months I’ve had more people just randomly say how much lighter I look.  Weird.

And I LOVE the comment by Huatusca regarding the Church’s anti-gay-marriage stance and support.  Why didn’t they put all their effort on strengthening families instead?  That is an excellent point. 

Tiff: The website is supposed to be about positive things like sexy, healthy, wealthy it suggest pro peace inside of you. however its all about the LDS faith and how ridiculous and manipulative and stupid it is. Its all you talk about its all you think about, I don’t get it. So being sexy healthy and wealthy means i should hate the LDS religion.”

Me:  Actually when I bought this domain name, I intended to do something related to weight loss, since that is my background.  Then I started blogging about my thoughts, or discoveries….and so I can see how it might look like (to you) being sexy healthy wealthy means you should hate the LDS religion, but I prefer to speak the truth of it.  I’m just trying to figure out and analyze economic and/or oppressive systems and see how they function.  This just happens to be the only one I know of.  I’m sure I’ll move on to other things, I just type it as it comes to me. 

Tiff: “For someone who dispisses something so much you sure are giving it a lot of power over you. Which is sad because your all about empowering your self but yet you seem to be so lost in the LDS faith and in trying to disprove it rather then finding your self which is what your all about.”

Me: Sigh. Unfortunately it is such a big part of me–and especially moving to Philly and people asking me Utah/Mormon questions every day.  If I took out this part of me….I wouldn’t have anything to say regarding the last 30 years of my life.  But I really feel like I’ve now been given this tool to look at and question all systems, which is a good thing.  I know, Tiffy Poo Poo, radical concept.  It is very strange to not know what to think, when everything’s been laid out for you before.  I don’t know what’s real?  But I intend to find it.  Or at least the things that make me happy, my true authentic self and not playing a role, or pretending.

Tiff: “Crystal all i can say is you do have some good points I agree”

Me: THANKS!  Which ones, now?

Tiff: “ but that is where my free agency comes in I choice to listen to somethings and I choice to not listen and listen to myself when it comes to religion. I have choice I have not followed the religion to a “T”. I never once was told I had to date a RM and I never did. I was told not to have sex but I made a choice and did rebel but i was not outcast or punished. I have chosen everything I do in my life, I’m not dictated by “white Man”. I don’t follow blindy and you shouldn’t have either. So am I a latter day saint who does have agency who does have the spirit, which everyone does have. I believe somethings are true in my faith and other things I question but thats ok i’m not banned or deemed evil for my questions and for anyone who was i’m sorry.”

ME:  Okay, for the record—YOU WENT THERE.  I wasn’t going to use personal stuff on this blog, but you are a prime example of this, Tiff.  You didn’t see all the comments I received on this from a Woman’s Ex-LDS yahoo group, but one in particular was cool (well they all are–it’s nice knowing I’m not alone):

Valerie: “I was commenting about choice in the class and there was a High Priest who kept going on about how fortunate we were to have the right to choose.. and I wanted him to clarify what choice actually meant from the point of view of the church… and I said, “Well do you think that we have the freedom of choice to actually choose the wrong?”  and he paused and looked at me… mumbled a bit… didn’t know what to say…and I said, “Well I think you mean that we have freedom of choice BUT we actually don’t have the freedom to choose wrong if we are in the church.”  And he said, “Well… hmmm…. yes…. that’s it…. your right.”     Quiet in the classroom……. I laughed….. that was many years ago…. “

Me: So, Tiff–let’s be honest here.  Yes, you “made a choice” to start having sex.  How old were you, again…15?  And what was that you said when we asked you about it?  You flat out lied.  You lied.  Your sisters sat you down and said, Okay, Tiff, you can tell US.  We won’t tell ANYBODY.  You can trust us.  But did you?  NO.  Why?  What were you afraid of?  Being “outcast, punished, banned, or deemed evil?”  Because those were your options, weren’t they?  While the rest of us were getting in trouble just for coming home late (and not doing drugs, alcohol, or sex)…YOU knew how to play the game.  Your curfew was at 11, and you would skate in at 10:45.  There were years of your life that you performed, Tiffany, BE REAL.  You HAD to.  You had to play the part of the Molly Mormon, knowing full well that you had a secret.  Somehow you never got pregnant (?) or any diseases (?) because you didn’t believe in condoms.  You know what happens to those who tell, in their bishop interviews.  BJ was dis-fellowshipped for being honest in high school.  He couldn’t take the sacrament, sing in the ward choir, or graduate from seminary.  And everybody knows.  You can’t even hide your shame.  Our cousin (girl) was ex-communicated for living with her boyfriend–even though they weren’t having sex, it was the appearance of it that got her.  Ex-communication is a spiritual execution–and who is in charge of all that?  You would have had to tell not just ONE white male, but a few of them…in explicit detail, mind you….of exactly what, who, and where.  So yeah, you had a choice.  And you wisely chose to protect yourself.  And I don’t blame you one bit, Tiff.  That’s not what this is about.  I question the SYSTEM.

Another thing is you are taught that to have sex is “rebelling”….I’ve found that out here they call that “normal.”  My therapist says that in school they were actually given bananas and condoms and taught how to put them on….hahaha can you imagine?  Just a picture of a condom on a banana at Southern Utah University newspaper threw the whole school in a tizzy fit for a year.  I think the collective conservative business department’s head exploded (without a condom)(they just don’t know how dangerous that is). 

One last thing on this–your hubby was going to get baptized, you couldn’t wait that long, so ya’ll got married to have sex (of course you would have been married anyway–just maybe not as quickly?)(And I’m glad you did–love that guy!) …which is nothing shocking or extreme or unusual out there.  Everybody does that.  How else are you going to have sex?  What’s the point in being engaged longer than 3 months after you’ve just met?  It’s such a different world.  The point is - yes, you have the freedom to choose the right.

Tiff: “I love you sis i just think you should find your self with out religion and be “Pro Peace”.”

Me:  Love you too, and I like the Pro-Truth idea (Thanks Huatusca).  Because I feel free- and strangely enough, more peaceful than ever. 

Thanks, Tiffy Poo Poo…..tell your little guy hi for me.  He kind of reminds me of this kid:

 <this old pic is just a few of our siblings….we like to squish each other for some reason…good times…>

Warning sign of abuse #1-Pushes for quick involvement:  An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive committment almost immediately.

Anybody that has ever encountered missionaries can tell you this one.  Boys age 19 and girls age 21 spend their own money to serve a mission, supposedly called of individually by the Prophet.  You can’t pick where you go, which is unfortunate for my little brother who dreamed of South America but was instead called to the Detroit Michigan mission.  For TWO YEARS.  Sounds like a jail sentence to me, but he was…er….”thrilled.”

So there are a set number of “Discussions,”  I believe they now call them “Lessons.”  These missionaries have been extensively trained at the Missionary Training Center in Provo, trained on sales skills.  They prescribe to what’s called the Committment Pattern.  “Investigators” (those who are interested in the Church) are asked to commit to various things during each lesson, such as stopping smoking, drinking, going to meetings, etc.  On the third lesson they are asked to commit to baptism.

Which is GREAT, if you knew exactly what you were getting into….being a Mormon is not something you can just half-ass.  There are plenty of jobs to do.  And if you have any questions about the Church that are….problematic?  There’s something called “giving the milk before the meat”….which basically means they want you to FEEL good (think of the last movie you saw that made you cry….that “feeling” is what they call the “spirit” and if you cry that means you have it, and the missionaries high-five each other on the way out) because as long as they can get you to feel emotional about something then you won’t be asking any of the hard questions.

WHY is it so important to be a member before you know anything about the Church, even before you’ve had a chance to read the whole Book of Mormon?

Another way the church pushes for quick involvement is with marriage and starting families.  Utah has the youngest population in the US…members marry quite young and have children right away.  In the Temple, the young couple is commanded (not something you take lightly) to “multiply and replenish the earth.”  I can see how this was important when there were….TWO people, but billions?

WHY?  WHY not wait?  Why get involved so quickly….What is the rush?

I suspect it has more to do with money than their rush to get you into the Celestial Kingdom.  As I posted here, there are only a dozen or so men at the top of this multi-billion dollar corporate ladder- highly successful business men, and your 10% tithing goes directly to that asset column.  The sooner they can get you to “work” in the church the better.  If they can squeeze more Mormons out of you, you’re gold.

I conclude that Yes, the Mormon Church does exhibit this particular trait that is a warning sign of abuse.

<i took this pic in chinatown, new york city>

So there’s this lovely story floating around Utah Valley of a Mormon couple who were not married in the Temple.  This couple’s relationship was pretty rocky, and eventually the wife did something to end the relationship….and her life.  Mid-argument, she jumped out of the car while it was going 75 mph on the freeway.

But the story doesn’t end there.

In classic Mormon love story fashion, this couple was “sealed” together, in the Temple, for time and all eternity.  Even though she has left this earth for now, once her husband is dead they can now be together FOREVER.

This eternal love story makes Mormons swoon….but I tend to think differently.

Dude….she’s just not that into you.

**this is my brother ty who is hilarious**

**and his girlfriend is VERY into him**

**for the record**

I remember an object lesson we had at church when I was in a Young Woman’s meeting.  The teacher unwrapped a candybar, and passed it around the class.  We all had to hold it and touch it and pass it on.  After it made it’s rounds with the class, the teacher held up the candybar and asked us who would like to eat it now?  (I actually probably would have…but I’d eat anything, hahaha) So when nobody raised their hand, she gently explained to us that this candybar was like our bodies.  We need to remain pure and chaste, no sex, heavy kissing or petting before marriage–and if we DID, well….we were like that candybar that nobody wanted because it had been touched by all these people.

This is problematic for many reasons.  I’m going with the big ones:

1.  The statistics for child abuse is around 1 in 4 kids are sexually abused at some point in their life.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest it is much higher than that, only based on personal experience regarding people I know who were sexually abused as children who had not reported it to the police.  There are also stories, some documented in the newspapers, of perpetrators who come forward with a list of ALL their victims, and in reality only one of those victims themselves had ever said anything.  Sexual abuse is Prevalent.  I’m not going to comment on whether it is more common in Utah or not, because I don’t know.  Regardless–it’s there.

So when you have a Young Woman sitting there, being compared to a candy bar, who has *already* been defiled through no fault of her own….this is going to cause problems.  In any other situation, this would be viewed as a form of mental abuse.

2.  The Young Woman’s program has a new value introduced as of last December:  VIRTUE.  Which in interpreted as staying chaste.  You remain a virtuous woman by staying a chaste woman. 
Here is what one prophet, Joseph F Smith counseled: (and generally what we are told our whole lives)

“The law of chastity is one of the most vital importance, both to children, and to men and to women. It is a vitally important principle to the children of God in all their lives, from the cradle to the grave. God has fixed dreadful penalties against the transgression of his law of chastity, of virtue, of purity. When the law of God shall be in force among men, they will be cut off who are not absolutely pure and unsoiled and spotless—both men and women. We expect the women to be pure, we expect them to be spotless and without blemish, and it is as necessary and important for man to be pure and virtuous as for woman.” Prophet Joseph F Smith

<a href=”www.lds.org” target=”_blank”>www.lds.org</a>

What happens when you get married?   Say you stay chaste up to that point….on your wedding night are you no longer “pure”, “wholesome,” or “virtuous”?   When Virtue is defined as whether or not you have engaged in intercourse, this poses a problem for women that affects them throughout their married life, and their relationships suffer. 

Mormons can’t talk about sex, and HAVING sex certainly doesn’t change that.  So many suffer in silence.  Women are trained to be the “gatekeepers” of sexuality.  We are taught that we must be strong, and we must dress modestly not to tempt the men, it is up to us to make sure that physical relations don’t involve more than a light kiss.  We are warned that Satan will try to tempt us, that all sexual and “impure” thoughts is merely Satan trying to destroy us.  We fight those sexual urges–being told to “Guard your chastity with your very life”!  So we fight them and fight them, until our wedding day.  In five minutes, we are then told to go forth and have the sex, that we can now use our sexual and sacred powers to be like the gods we are…and yet…to switch sexuality from “Satan” to “Godly” appears to be rather difficult.  I don’t know if this is easier for young men to do, as I’m not one of them, but for women this is quite problematic and really causes unnecessary pain. 

Once you are married, and if you find it difficult to embrace this thing you have been fighting so long…the church has their answer for this newfound problem.  What is it?  Satan.  Again with Satan.  THIS time, Satan is trying his hardest to NOT WANT YOU to have sex, which will destroy your relationship.

I believe that when young men and women are to deny their sexuality at all costs, under threat of severe punishment, it leads to a de-humanization effect. I believe that this de-humanization is carried forth after marriage, even when it is “legal” to engage in sexual acts. Young mormons don’t know what that means. However, if a couple is married in the Temple, it is very important to show the world that they are blissfully happy, and satisfied in every way.

 
It is no wonder that Utah leads the country in the highest paid online porn consumption (taking a little break on Sunday)….porn in and of itself is dehumanized in nature, it’s two-dimensional. When young people are not allowed to connect with their sexuality in any way, it makes it difficult to EVER be able to. I think that forbidding masturbation, forbidding anything sexual in nature Is itself a form of sexual abuse. Rigid gender roles further exacerbate, and may even be the cause of the problem.

So now 12 step programs are formed, an end result of the Church recognizing that Utah has quite a bit of a porn problem. Rather than acknowledging a hand in the problem, the church turns once again to that ever present and popular scapegoat -Satan- to explain away the issues at hand. The church’s strict policies regarding chastity are not questioned, or gender roles, nor is there any responsibility for the social issues that occur as a result. Sobriety comes in the form of staying away from porn and masturbating. Masturbation has very serious consequences for Mormons and falls under one of those vile, un-godly sexual sins. All responsibility for sexual relations falls at the hands of the spouse. Since masturbation isn’t an option, sex turns into a potential nightmare for the spouse that may have a lower sex drive than the partner, usually (not always) the woman. It is important to the woman in particular—remember, her own salvation is at stake with her husband’s worthiness—to make sure her husband is that worthy priesthood leader, the head of the household. This poses a problem—and a bargaining tool for the man to hold over his wife’s head. He is in a quandary; he wants to be righteous, but he has urges that only SHE can fulfill for him. What to do? Beg, plead, nag, threaten….all sorts of tactics can and may be used. He is in the right, she is in the wrong. It is her wifely duty to keep him away from any other form of pleasure that may tempt him.

When young men look at pornography to learn what or how to do things….it poses another problem. Women are studied in the porn to see what they like, how they should be reacting, what pleases them. The problem is that porn isn’t real, these women are actors, and I have a feeling they just might not be as “into it” as they appear to be. I have a friend who had been previously married and then married a Mormon for her 2nd marriage. They waited until they were married in the temple to have sex for the first time, he being a virgin. I think the scene from the movie Zack and Miri Make a Porno is most likely what ensued—I almost peed my pants laughing watching Zack and Miri’s scene together, thinking of how this wedding night went down. Her husband only knew about sex from porn, and this led to disastrous results, which eventually led to the end of the marriage.

 
Many young people don’t realize that they may have sexual issues until they are married as virgins, and start having sex. Sex can bring up many emotions—guilt, anxiety, sadness, pain, joy, then guilt over the joy….it is something that has been feared for an entire lifetime. One or both partners may have been sexually abused at some point in their life, and not realize its effects until they are in the bedroom.
Still others may not realize until it’s too late that they just really don’t have that chemistry that they thought they did. Chemistry can be felt to a certain degree in a kiss….but sex is a full body experience that imagination or fantasy can’t fully explore. Many young women see a penis for the first time on their wedding night. They’ve never seen a hairy butt, either, hahahah.  They are fully unprepared for their partners body, let alone intercourse. Intercourse is never explained to a young couple, this is something that must be navigated on their own.

 
Young women in particular aren’t even aware of their bodies, themselves. When I started using tampons, (at age 22 or so….) I literally had to drink to do so….hahahah–which is horribly inconvenient. My little sister (who, it turned out, knew a thing or two about sex) had to explain to me and when my mother found out—yeah, she was a little upset, to say the least. “You should not know that part of your body until”—you ready for this? You’d expect it to be marriage, right? Nope. “You should not be that familiar with that part of your body until you HAVE YOUR FIRST CHILD”. When you literally have a HEAD pushing out of you-THEN it is okay to look. Who wants THAT to be the first glimpse of their own vagina? My mom, apparently, but she is not alone in this thinking and this is not about her. This is about a system of repression that begins at a very young age and is instilled in you through your entire life.

 
This is not to say that there aren’t couples out there who have an amazing sex life, who are fully comfortable with their own and each other’s bodies. They have managed to make it through life with no negative experiences that would manifest itself when they are together. I’m sure there are couples like that out there. Who have full communication with their partners, in what they like and what they don’t like, what works, what doesn’t, what turns them on or off. They may be in sync in every way.
But I’ve found that if you want to create an automatic following amongst young LDS men and women—talk about sex. Talk about it candidly and honestly. These kids don’t get that from anywhere. They have no resources, other than “worldly” ones (porn) so they really don’t know and are literally terrified of sex. Or of being “stuck” with a partner that ends up not liking sex. Or finding out that it really isn’t that great after all.

If I can help only ONE young woman out there to know this–

YOU ARE NOT A CANDYBAR.  There is NOTHING that you can DO that will change who you are as a person.  There is nothing that anybody else can do TO you that will change your divine worth.  You are a fantastic and amazing human being, and sexual thoughts and urges are part of being human.  Anything that you do sexually does not define your worth.  You are NOT worth less if you have engaged in any of these natural, human, behaviors.  Don’t ever forget that you are a divine being, no matter what.  You could have sex with hundreds of men (or women), and still be a divine being.  That does not define you.  You have an amazing power, something that many people want….but it’s YOURS.  Own it.

And when you do find somebody you want to share it with, be honest in what you like and don’t like.  There’s nothing worse than “faking it” your first time….when he’s doing that THING that you really hate….because, honey, you’re going to have to deal with that for years.  If you don’t even know your own body, you can’t expect a guy (or girl) to….so do yourself a favor and be clear on what feels good and what doesn’t.  Hahahah, trust me, that’s a rookie error.  But if you’re only doing this marriage thing once….honesty is key. Have fun exploring.

And if marriage isn’t your thing, same thing goes.  With any and all partners.  Be the goddess that you are, when you’re having sex or not.

And practice safe sex–Utah has a law against advocating for birth control and prevention–spreading the hysteria that “if you have sex you will get pregnant and diseases.”  Well, certainly you are at a greater risk than abstinence, BUT condoms are very effective.  Birth control is very effective.  Don’t think that being married is going to shield you from diseases.  You never know what your dear sweet partner could be doing behind your back…..

And if you DO get a disease….LIFE GOES ON.  It is NOT the worst thing in the world to have happen to you.  Trust me.  Just be safe.  Even married or committed couples with a partner with HIV can prevent the other partner from contracting it.  And there’s lots of fun ways to be safe. 

And if you are having sex and feeling guilty about it—OR having sex and NOT feeling guilty about it….there’s somebody else out there that has done the same and felt the same.

You are not alone.

**this pic was taken at the American Fork, Utah temple…where us sinners waited outside after flying across the country to NOT see my sister get married**