The Book of Mormon makes me horny
Posted: under gay stuff, mormons.
Tags: anger, book of mormon, emotions, gay mormon, masturbation, suicide
When I was a kid, I liked to masturbate. And it wasn’t because I was thinking of *sexual* thoughts either– I was in 5th grade when I realized somehow that if I flexed all my lower body muscles at once that I would have what I now know is an orgasm. And it felt so good that I wanted to tell everybody about it. So one day I was in the backseat of a car with my sisters and cousins and I thought that was a good time to let them all in on this secret I had to like, the best feeling EVER. Imagine my mom’s…um…chagrin? So that “talk” was the beginning of a lifetime of torment, basically. What I was doing was “imitating” something that you weren’t supposed to feel until you were Married. In the Temple. So I had to stop RIGHT NOW. What I was feeling was actually Satan, and my thoughts and actions were evil.
Trying to suppress a sexual urge, especially when it was new and fresh to me-as my hormones were kicking in- was damn near impossible. As soon as that one thought would enter my head–literally the only way to get rid of it was to act on it. And I tried everything. I prayed, and cried, and prayed…then I read the Book of Mormon, being told that that was the *answer* to get these evil thoughts out of my head.
Guess what happened? All that sexual energy went into my reading of the Book of Mormon, and then I literally just had to *do it* to get rid of it….I learned that was the only way. This yearning for pleasure could not be supressed. In fact, the more I tried to supress it, the stronger it became. And the guiltier I felt. The more depressed I became. I knew I was a sexual slave of Satan…and it didn’t help to be taught that young women didn’t even *feel* these urges until they were married–hence–the boys were asked in routine interviews by the Bishop if they masturbated, while the girls were not. What kind of GIRL was I? What was WRONG with me? I knew then that Satan had some kind of hold on me, and I felt powerless to him. This was my dirty secret. So to compensate I became the “perfect” one–a huge perfectionist, in school. I wanted straight A’s. And I got them. I got hundreds on tests, I did so well I was placed in a “special” program, an Accelerated Learning Program for students who were above average. I don’t think I fit in there, though–these were really genuinely intelligent kids, not just ones trying too hard like me. On English and Reading I got a 36 out of 36 on the ACT’s. I tried so hard to escape “Satan’s” grasp. I never watched an R-rated movie, I didn’t know anybody that drank alcohol anyway but I would have defiantly turned that down. My goal was Temple Marriage and the Celestial Kingdom, and this was the only thing holding me back. I didn’t even date guys in high school, my first *real* boyfriend was when I was 18, and he turned out to be not so real anyway (long story)…
The harder I tried to not do it, the more I HAD to. My ab muscles became tremendously strong. I could do it all night. The inner struggle was tremendous. I had to constantly weigh the benefits of how good it felt versus how HORRIBLE I would feel afterwards. That probably contributed to how long I could make it last…going until I fell asleep, exhausted…escaping that after-glow of impending doom. I lived my life dreading that overwhelming feeling of guilt and shame that I carried with me on a daily basis. It was always there. And I felt so alone. And worthless.
Eventually, I did it less and less. I learned to “master” my emotions. I learned to mask anything that wasn’t “spiritually uplifting.” I learned to be a good Mormon. Any anger, frustration, questioning, confrontation, fear, loathing, hatred, arousal, desire…these are to be contained. “Every member a missionary” was the mantra, and this was within Mormondom as well. Not only must you preserve your own “testimony,” but it was imperative that you preserve other’s as well. This meant that if you ever feel anything that didn’t directly contribute to the Mormon brand of *HAPPY!*–you keep it to yourself. What if somebody else heard you, and their testimony was compromised because of YOU…that is something to be avoided at all costs. I was even silenced on a big family website, told that my views could “contaminate” those who had “fragile” testimonies. I was blocked from speaking my own voice, I could only go on and look at other’s “acceptable” ones.
So you learn. You learn and you learn…and as you learn…you feel less and less. Eventually you perform without even realizing it. You forget what it’s even like to feel anything in the first place. Any emotion besides *HAPPY!* is sinful….and must be repented of. ESPECIALLY anger. Anger is a big No-No. How do members of the church feel about feminists, or ex-Mormons? Those people are *angry*. This just proves to them the church is true, and they are wrong. Because anger is wrong–and a sin. So these dutiful Mormons stay away from these — legitimately– angry people.
Why am I bringing this up? I *finally* met a girl in Philadelphia who is ex-Mormon, who left the church AND came out to her family quite recently. We met on Saturday at noon and talked for 7 hours straight. It was wonderful. And she was wonderful. I’ve talked on here about how Mormons don’t TALK about things, particularly on this post here. I’ve also talked about sexual repression here. But one thing I haven’t connected with is one step further- how Mormons don’t FEEL things and especially SEXUAL things. We talked about drinking, and how it is only through drinking that we can feel sexually liberated. We talked about how wrong it was to ever feel anger, how you learn to suppress it until you can’t feel anything at all. She talked about how she can talk about anger now, she can say how it feels, but she can’t feel it. And I talked about how my dad has written a book on Anger-directed at Mormons (after dealing with the East Coast in business and realizing how “suspicious” it is to deal with Utahns who are “too nice”)–and Deseret Book (the Utah Mormon publication) won’t publish it–and even THEN–MY anger isn’t legitimate because it contradicts the Church….(testimonies could be damaged)…
So here it is. I’m ANGRY. I am ANGRY that I can’t even identify my OWN anger– that I have to use somebody like Jon Stewart and his anger in my post here to show my own anger. I’m angry that I have to drink to even say this. I’m angry that I have to drink to FEEL anything. I’m angry that I feel guilty about telling my therapist “Bad” things about the church. I’m angry that I have this huge Stats test in 3 hours and I can’t even begin to think about ridiculous things like Probabilities when all I can think of is the Probability I’m going to hell. I’m angry that my being attracted to women is going to be a huge *problem* to the very religion that INVENTED sexual deviancy in the United States–who FOUGHT and were PERSECUTED for their beliefs–and when I go to Utah I’m going to have to DEFEND myself in this ridiculous morality battle. That my life and feelings will be torn apart and carefully inspected, looking for any loopholes in to how I feel, and any reasons for what’s “wrong” with me. I’m angry for all the women who send me email, who say they have FIVE kids and NOTHING–who did everything they were supposed to do, all in the name of religion. I’m furious at the system we were all duped into. I’m angry when I read this article here saying that 60-70% of unmarried college students have sex, compared to 3-4% at BYU. I’m angry because Mormon kids have to learn how to LIE. I’m angry that Mormon kids have to learn how to SUPRESS their sexuality…and they learn so well that they can’t open it back up again, even when they’re married. And that they turn into Mormon adults who don’t even realize how they lie and perform. I’m angry that the only time I’ve ever seriously contemplated suicide in my life is when I think how much EASIER that would be compared to facing my sexual shame–and everybody knowing. And I’m angry that if I were to do that–it would be looked at as validation to the Mormons that clearly I didn’t have The Spirit with me anymore. That Satan won. Which in Mormon circular logic is why ALL gay Mormons are suicidal. Not because of anything the Mormons ever taught them–that it is better to be in a body bag than to be gay. Or that sexual sin is SECOND to murder. Just because they have “given in” to Satan and his temptations.
But I can’t discount the fact that lately I FEEL better than I ever have before. I feel like something in me has aligned itself. That I’m on my true path, that I’m on my way to my calling-whatever it may be. And my good friend John has told me that he takes comfort in the fact that anything he’s felt–somebody else has felt as well. So he’s not alone, somebody out there has felt the same thing. And I take comfort in that as well.
I don’t know what I’m going to do with my new friend when we meet again next week. Perhaps we can read the Book of Mormon together, hahaha ;) For now, more crying. But it feels so good to FEEL. Thanks for listening, internet.
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Apr 27 2009
