Sexy Healthy Wealthy

So I went to the liquor store the other night with my adorable friend Maika from school, and she wanted to buy a “40″…which is one huge 40 ounce bottle of beer.  ONE bottle each.  The Mormon in me can’t deal with that sort of nonsense….we buy everything in bulk.  Mormons store, in their basements, enough food to last 1-2 years–in fact, in Utah houses are built with concrete foundations which holds this special room in the house.  So you have this concrete walled room that has huge “garbage can” containers full of wheat, barrels of water, hundreds of cans of food and  piles of toilet paper–well–imagine what you think a year’s supply of food and staples looks like for a family of 8…it’s a LOT.

When I buy mayonnaise…I buy the HUGE jar, the gallon size….it’s what you do!  A smaller size would be silly!  You must ALWAYS be prepared–there’s nothing worse than running out of something.  It just doesn’t happen.  Utahns laugh at Easterners that clean out the grocery store of milk and bread when a storm is coming.  Utah stores stay the same…Mormons are READY.

Which is why I insisted that we buy not two, but SIX bottles.  And it makes sense that we actually have a keg at our house.  My food supply has turned into a beer supply.  (Don’t worry mom–I do have a case of chili and mac and cheese in my basement).

I guess there are some things that will never leave me.  And if you know any Mormons who have left the church and insist in buying their alcohol in bulk, it’s not because they’re raging alcoholics.  Actually, they probably won’t say it out loud…..but they think you’re quite impractical.

According to a new Salt Lake tribune article (click here) - Utah has “the country’s highest rate of nonmedical painkiller abuse.” 

“Utah in 2007 recorded 317 deaths related to nonillicit drugs - double the number six years earlier and far more than died from heroin, cocaine and other infamous drugs.”

Here’s the beautiful thing, the reason why I want to make out with attorney general Mark Shurtleff:  he went there–oh yes he did…Here’s his quote:

“Mark Shurtleff on Wednesday attributed part of Utah’s problems to the Mormon culture, which discourages alcohol and illicit drugs but is more tolerant of prescriptions.  “In some societies, they have a problem and they self-medicate with alcohol,” said Shurtleff, who said he took painkillers during his long recovery from a 2007 motorcycle crash but was careful to use the medication properly and no longer uses it.

Shurtleff said Utah also suffers from a communication problem where people with problems and addictions do not want to discuss them.

“We are a pill-popping society,” Shurtleff said.

Actually the funniest thing about this is how he is careful to let you know that *his* painkillers are gone…Hahahah.  But he said this thing OUT LOUD, which is awesome.

One of the first things I noticed when I moved to Philadelphia from Utah was that my Weight Watcher meetings I was leading were, well, quite different than the ones in Utah.  I’ll never forget my first meeting….a woman raised her hand and said that she was having a hard time sticking to the plan because she was having a difficult time with her son being in jail.  WHAT?!?  Another leader brought her grandchild to work and told everybody in line that she was babysitting while her daughter was at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.  I think my jaw dropped…I didn’t even know what to say….You don’t just SAY STUFF like that in Utah, especially to a group of strangers and more especially to a group of women strangers.  The foremost thought in every Mormon’s mind is “WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK”?  As a woman, the only thing that is expected of you is to be a mother, and you better be a darn good one because geez, if you can’t get even that simple thing right, what good are you?  The only way to measure if you are a good mother is by your children and how wonderfully Mormon they are, how strong they are in the Church, how many grandchildren they have faithfully reproduced for your shiny happy Temple-loving family.  So if your child actually has *gasp* problems….it’s best to keep that a secret.   Hence, going back to this post–(click here)– appearance is everything.  Again:  APPEARANCE IS EVERYTHING. 

And I would have never ever realized that if I hadn’t moved out and seen how the rest of the world operates.  Philadelphia is so REAL.  It’s filthy.  It’s dirty.  People are loud. People are mean.  People honk a lot.  People laugh really really loud.  People curse at each other on the street.  I LOVE IT.  It is absolutely raw….and profoundly refreshing.

Mormons feel that they are misconstrued in the media, they feel that they are misinterpreted and misunderstood.  In a lot of ways, they are.  But, to any Mormons out there–the way that you feel about bars and alcohol is ALSO misunderstood and misconstrued to YOU.  Most Mormons have never set foot in a bar, or even drank tea–let alone alcohol.  Here’s what you don’t understand:  Alcohol makes you talk.  Alcohol makes you talk FREELY.  So when people go to bars, they are not just going to get “wasted” and pass out in a pile of their own vomit….they are TALKING.  They are opening up to each other.  They are freely discussing their problems, their lives, what’s going on…a bar can be a sort of therapy session.  Of course there are people who drink too much, there are some that go overboard, but my heck, Utah–NUMBER ONE IN THE NATION FOR PRESCRIPTION PAINKILLERS?  You want to talk about abuse?  Of course you don’t.  Because then you’d have to talk about what’s REALLY going on.  And nobody wants that.  You aren’t even allowed to talk about the Temple, the very heart of your religion– if you happen to feel a little *uncomfortable* with the rituals and how truly unprepared you are for what goes on there.  You can’t even talk about it amongst each other.

It is so hard to have a therapist and tell her stuff.  It’s hard but I LOVE it–and she’s AWESOME.  “Okay, Crystal….so….answer the damn question.”  Hahaha she doesn’t say it that way but she only lets me skirt around things for so long.  It is hard to talk about my feelings, especially the “forbidden” ones.  And I even came from a family of people who DO talk about things more freely than most–my mom is great for that.  But the Mormon wall comes in, and there’s just a lot of things that are off-limits.  So Mormons have no outlets.  They are bottled up inside….the pressure is building….and “self-medicating with alcohol” is something that Mormon’s look down on you “others” for doing.  Being dependent on alcohol is a horrifying thought to a Mormon.  But Pain pills…a tiny pill you can take that TAKES AWAY THE PAIN- and you can keep up appearances?  Bravo. Pain pills make you smile.  And that’s what everybody wants to see.  

So Utah is creating a new task force to deal with this problem.  Doctors will be forced to prescribe less pain pills….so my question is…what are Mormons going to do?  Considering the abnormally high suicide rate…I am genuinely concerned for these people.  317 non-illicit drug deaths in 2007…DOUBLE the number of 6 years ago?  This pressure is growing stronger and more intense, especially with bankruptcies, foreclosures, and large families to support on one diminishing income–and if you take away Mormon’s only “legal” outlet, what’s going to happen?

I’m afraid.

So, Mr-I-don’t-have-any-pain-pills-at-my-house Mark Shurtleff, I commend you for taking that ONE step forward, for acknowledging the Mormon influence in this hot mess…because I’m sure you are going to get a lot of crap for it. 

If there’s one thing Mormons DO talk about, it’s about how NOT OPPRESSED they are.  Excuse me, it’s time for my yellow pill.

<This is one of my best friends, John, who I’ve known since 1996….taken in NYC…I consider him to be my favorite drug :)  >