Sexy Healthy Wealthy

When I was a kid, I liked to masturbate.  And it wasn’t because I was thinking of *sexual* thoughts either– I was in 5th grade when I realized somehow that if I flexed all my lower body muscles at once that I would have what I now know is an orgasm.  And it felt so good that I wanted to tell everybody about it.  So one day I was in the backseat of a car with my sisters and cousins and I thought that was a good time to let them all in on this secret I had to like, the best feeling EVER.  Imagine my mom’s…um…chagrin?  So that “talk” was the beginning of a lifetime of torment, basically.  What I was doing was “imitating” something that you weren’t supposed to feel until you were Married.  In the Temple.  So I had to stop RIGHT NOW.  What I was feeling was actually Satan, and my thoughts and actions were evil. 

Trying to suppress a sexual urge, especially when it was new and fresh to me-as my hormones were kicking in- was damn near impossible.  As soon as that one thought would enter my head–literally the only way to get rid of it was to act on it.  And I tried everything.  I prayed, and cried, and prayed…then I read the Book of Mormon, being told that that was the *answer* to get these evil thoughts out of my head.

Guess what happened?   All that sexual energy went into my reading of the Book of Mormon, and then I literally just had to *do it* to get rid of it….I learned that was the only way.  This yearning for pleasure could not be supressed.  In fact, the more I tried to supress it, the stronger it became.  And the guiltier I felt.  The more depressed I became.  I knew I was a sexual slave of Satan…and it didn’t help to be taught that young women didn’t even *feel* these urges until they were married–hence–the boys were asked in routine interviews by the Bishop if they masturbated, while the girls were not.  What kind of GIRL was I?  What was WRONG with me?  I knew then that Satan had some kind of hold on me, and I felt powerless to him.  This was my dirty secret.  So to compensate I became the “perfect” one–a huge perfectionist, in school.  I wanted straight A’s.  And I got them.  I got hundreds on tests, I did so well I was placed in a “special” program, an Accelerated Learning Program for students who were above average.  I don’t think I fit in there, though–these were really genuinely intelligent kids, not just ones trying too hard like me.  On English and Reading I got a 36 out of 36 on the ACT’s.  I tried so hard to escape “Satan’s” grasp.  I never watched an R-rated movie, I didn’t know anybody that drank alcohol anyway but I would have defiantly turned that down.  My goal was Temple Marriage and the Celestial Kingdom, and this was the only thing holding me back.  I didn’t even date guys in high school, my first *real* boyfriend was when I was 18, and he turned out to be not so real anyway (long story)…

The harder I tried to not do it, the more I HAD to.  My ab muscles became tremendously strong.  I could do it all night.  The inner struggle was tremendous.  I had to constantly weigh the benefits of how good it felt versus how HORRIBLE I would feel afterwards.  That probably contributed to how long I could make it last…going until I fell asleep, exhausted…escaping that after-glow of impending doom.  I lived my life dreading that overwhelming feeling of guilt and shame that I carried with me on a daily basis.  It was always there.  And I felt so alone.  And worthless. 

Eventually, I did it less and less.  I learned to “master” my emotions.  I learned to mask anything that wasn’t “spiritually uplifting.”  I learned to be a good Mormon.  Any anger, frustration, questioning, confrontation, fear, loathing, hatred, arousal, desire…these are to be contained.  “Every member a missionary” was the mantra, and this was within Mormondom as well.  Not only must you preserve your own “testimony,” but it was imperative that you preserve other’s as well.  This meant that if you ever feel anything that didn’t directly contribute to the Mormon brand of *HAPPY!*–you keep it to yourself.  What if somebody else heard you, and their testimony was compromised because of YOU…that is something to be avoided at all costs.  I was even silenced on a big family website, told that my views could “contaminate” those who had “fragile” testimonies.  I was blocked from speaking my own voice, I could only go on and look at other’s “acceptable” ones.

So you learn.  You learn and you learn…and as you learn…you feel less and less.  Eventually you perform without even realizing it.  You forget what it’s even like to feel anything in the first place.  Any emotion besides *HAPPY!* is sinful….and must be repented of. ESPECIALLY anger.  Anger is a big No-No.  How do members of the church feel about feminists, or ex-Mormons?  Those people are *angry*.  This just proves to them the church is true, and they are wrong.  Because anger is wrong–and a sin.  So these dutiful Mormons stay away from these — legitimately– angry people.

Why am I bringing this up?  I *finally* met a girl in Philadelphia who is ex-Mormon, who left the church AND came out to her family quite recently.  We met on Saturday at noon and talked for 7 hours straight.  It was wonderful.  And she was wonderful.  I’ve talked on here about how Mormons don’t TALK about things, particularly on this post here.  I’ve also talked about sexual repression here.  But one thing I haven’t connected with is one step further- how Mormons don’t FEEL things and especially SEXUAL things.  We talked about drinking, and how it is only through drinking that we can feel sexually liberated.  We talked about how wrong it was to ever feel anger, how you learn to suppress it until you can’t feel anything at all.  She talked about how she can talk about anger now, she can say how it feels, but she can’t feel it.  And I talked about how my dad has written a book on Anger-directed at Mormons (after dealing with the East Coast in business and realizing how “suspicious” it is to deal with Utahns who are “too nice”)–and Deseret Book (the Utah Mormon publication) won’t publish it–and even THEN–MY anger isn’t legitimate because it contradicts the Church….(testimonies could be damaged)…

So here it is.  I’m ANGRY.  I am ANGRY that I can’t even identify my OWN anger– that I have to use somebody like Jon Stewart and his anger in my post here to show my own anger.  I’m angry that I have to drink to even say this.  I’m angry that I have to drink to FEEL anything.  I’m angry that I feel guilty about telling my therapist “Bad” things about the church.  I’m angry that I have this huge Stats test in 3 hours and I can’t even begin to think about ridiculous things like Probabilities when all I can think of is the Probability I’m going to hell.  I’m angry that my being attracted to women is going to be a huge *problem* to the very religion that INVENTED sexual deviancy in the United States–who FOUGHT and were PERSECUTED for their beliefs–and when I go to Utah I’m going to have to DEFEND myself in this ridiculous morality battle.  That my life and feelings will be torn apart and carefully inspected, looking for any loopholes in to how I feel, and any reasons for what’s “wrong” with me.  I’m angry for all the women who send me email, who say they have FIVE kids and NOTHING–who did everything they were supposed to do, all in the name of religion.  I’m furious at the system we were all duped into.  I’m angry when I read this article here saying that 60-70% of unmarried college students have sex, compared to 3-4% at BYU.  I’m angry because Mormon kids have to learn how to LIE.  I’m angry that Mormon kids have to learn how to SUPRESS their sexuality…and they learn so well that they can’t open it back up again, even when they’re married.  And that they turn into Mormon adults who don’t even realize how they lie and perform. I’m angry that the only time I’ve ever seriously contemplated suicide in my life is when I think how much EASIER that would be compared to facing my sexual shame–and everybody knowing.  And I’m angry that if I were to do that–it would be looked at as validation to the Mormons that clearly I didn’t have The Spirit with me anymore.  That Satan won.  Which in Mormon circular logic is why ALL gay Mormons are suicidal.  Not because of anything the Mormons ever taught them–that it is better to be in a body bag than to be gay.  Or that sexual sin is SECOND to murder.  Just because they have “given in” to Satan and his temptations.

But I can’t discount the fact that lately I FEEL better than I ever have before.  I feel like something in me has aligned itself.  That I’m on my true path, that I’m on my way to my calling-whatever it may be.  And my good friend John has told me that he takes comfort in the fact that anything he’s felt–somebody else has felt as well.  So he’s not alone, somebody out there has felt the same thing.  And I take comfort in that as well.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with my new friend when we meet again next week.  Perhaps we can read the Book of Mormon together, hahaha  ;)  For now, more crying.  But it feels so good to FEEL.  Thanks for listening, internet.

One thing that always drove me *crazy* growing up in Utah was that I was expected to do all the cooking and cleaning, for the rest of my life,  just because I have a vagina.  That’s it.  For no other reason.  Because I truly believed in this–that being a wife and mother and cooking and cleaning were my sole purposes in life–if I was not able to either cook or clean I would suffer a supreme meltdown of ridiculous proportions.  Once I made a recipe that literally only had 3 ingredients–graham crackers, butter, peanut butter and powdered sugar.  Wait-that’s 4.  I’m not good at accounting either….anyway- I blew it.  I doubled the butter.  My boyfriend at the time had to witness my realization that I was *never* going to be able to get this down–and then WHAT?!  I am worthless.  As a woman, I am meaningless.  There is nothing else.  There is nothing else to expect from me.  If I can’t even do THIS simple thing, there is nothing.  And I am nothing.  I ended up sobbing on the kitchen floor in a hot mess.  He broke up with me soon after that.  Huh…I just realized those 2 may be related….

Kristin from Logan, Utah wrote me the following:

“Thank you so much for your blog.  I’m an ex-Utahn, ex-mormon also.  I don’t remember how many times throughout my life I was told I was selfish, etc. for wanting basic things out of life beyond mormon marriage and children, e.g., an education, a career, and heaven forbid, marriage as an equal partner.  I had ZERO validation from my family after earning a PhD, and a JD, becoming a partner in a law firm.  I never accomplished anything until I had a child.  - Makes me rage.”

She never accomplished anything until she had a child. 

But how much better is the rest of America…or the world?  This clip is hilarous but makes me sad.  And not just because my swiffer mop misses me.

So I went to the liquor store the other night with my adorable friend Maika from school, and she wanted to buy a “40″…which is one huge 40 ounce bottle of beer.  ONE bottle each.  The Mormon in me can’t deal with that sort of nonsense….we buy everything in bulk.  Mormons store, in their basements, enough food to last 1-2 years–in fact, in Utah houses are built with concrete foundations which holds this special room in the house.  So you have this concrete walled room that has huge “garbage can” containers full of wheat, barrels of water, hundreds of cans of food and  piles of toilet paper–well–imagine what you think a year’s supply of food and staples looks like for a family of 8…it’s a LOT.

When I buy mayonnaise…I buy the HUGE jar, the gallon size….it’s what you do!  A smaller size would be silly!  You must ALWAYS be prepared–there’s nothing worse than running out of something.  It just doesn’t happen.  Utahns laugh at Easterners that clean out the grocery store of milk and bread when a storm is coming.  Utah stores stay the same…Mormons are READY.

Which is why I insisted that we buy not two, but SIX bottles.  And it makes sense that we actually have a keg at our house.  My food supply has turned into a beer supply.  (Don’t worry mom–I do have a case of chili and mac and cheese in my basement).

I guess there are some things that will never leave me.  And if you know any Mormons who have left the church and insist in buying their alcohol in bulk, it’s not because they’re raging alcoholics.  Actually, they probably won’t say it out loud…..but they think you’re quite impractical.

According to a new Salt Lake tribune article (click here) - Utah has “the country’s highest rate of nonmedical painkiller abuse.” 

“Utah in 2007 recorded 317 deaths related to nonillicit drugs - double the number six years earlier and far more than died from heroin, cocaine and other infamous drugs.”

Here’s the beautiful thing, the reason why I want to make out with attorney general Mark Shurtleff:  he went there–oh yes he did…Here’s his quote:

“Mark Shurtleff on Wednesday attributed part of Utah’s problems to the Mormon culture, which discourages alcohol and illicit drugs but is more tolerant of prescriptions.  “In some societies, they have a problem and they self-medicate with alcohol,” said Shurtleff, who said he took painkillers during his long recovery from a 2007 motorcycle crash but was careful to use the medication properly and no longer uses it.

Shurtleff said Utah also suffers from a communication problem where people with problems and addictions do not want to discuss them.

“We are a pill-popping society,” Shurtleff said.

Actually the funniest thing about this is how he is careful to let you know that *his* painkillers are gone…Hahahah.  But he said this thing OUT LOUD, which is awesome.

One of the first things I noticed when I moved to Philadelphia from Utah was that my Weight Watcher meetings I was leading were, well, quite different than the ones in Utah.  I’ll never forget my first meeting….a woman raised her hand and said that she was having a hard time sticking to the plan because she was having a difficult time with her son being in jail.  WHAT?!?  Another leader brought her grandchild to work and told everybody in line that she was babysitting while her daughter was at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.  I think my jaw dropped…I didn’t even know what to say….You don’t just SAY STUFF like that in Utah, especially to a group of strangers and more especially to a group of women strangers.  The foremost thought in every Mormon’s mind is “WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK”?  As a woman, the only thing that is expected of you is to be a mother, and you better be a darn good one because geez, if you can’t get even that simple thing right, what good are you?  The only way to measure if you are a good mother is by your children and how wonderfully Mormon they are, how strong they are in the Church, how many grandchildren they have faithfully reproduced for your shiny happy Temple-loving family.  So if your child actually has *gasp* problems….it’s best to keep that a secret.   Hence, going back to this post–(click here)– appearance is everything.  Again:  APPEARANCE IS EVERYTHING. 

And I would have never ever realized that if I hadn’t moved out and seen how the rest of the world operates.  Philadelphia is so REAL.  It’s filthy.  It’s dirty.  People are loud. People are mean.  People honk a lot.  People laugh really really loud.  People curse at each other on the street.  I LOVE IT.  It is absolutely raw….and profoundly refreshing.

Mormons feel that they are misconstrued in the media, they feel that they are misinterpreted and misunderstood.  In a lot of ways, they are.  But, to any Mormons out there–the way that you feel about bars and alcohol is ALSO misunderstood and misconstrued to YOU.  Most Mormons have never set foot in a bar, or even drank tea–let alone alcohol.  Here’s what you don’t understand:  Alcohol makes you talk.  Alcohol makes you talk FREELY.  So when people go to bars, they are not just going to get “wasted” and pass out in a pile of their own vomit….they are TALKING.  They are opening up to each other.  They are freely discussing their problems, their lives, what’s going on…a bar can be a sort of therapy session.  Of course there are people who drink too much, there are some that go overboard, but my heck, Utah–NUMBER ONE IN THE NATION FOR PRESCRIPTION PAINKILLERS?  You want to talk about abuse?  Of course you don’t.  Because then you’d have to talk about what’s REALLY going on.  And nobody wants that.  You aren’t even allowed to talk about the Temple, the very heart of your religion– if you happen to feel a little *uncomfortable* with the rituals and how truly unprepared you are for what goes on there.  You can’t even talk about it amongst each other.

It is so hard to have a therapist and tell her stuff.  It’s hard but I LOVE it–and she’s AWESOME.  “Okay, Crystal….so….answer the damn question.”  Hahaha she doesn’t say it that way but she only lets me skirt around things for so long.  It is hard to talk about my feelings, especially the “forbidden” ones.  And I even came from a family of people who DO talk about things more freely than most–my mom is great for that.  But the Mormon wall comes in, and there’s just a lot of things that are off-limits.  So Mormons have no outlets.  They are bottled up inside….the pressure is building….and “self-medicating with alcohol” is something that Mormon’s look down on you “others” for doing.  Being dependent on alcohol is a horrifying thought to a Mormon.  But Pain pills…a tiny pill you can take that TAKES AWAY THE PAIN- and you can keep up appearances?  Bravo. Pain pills make you smile.  And that’s what everybody wants to see.  

So Utah is creating a new task force to deal with this problem.  Doctors will be forced to prescribe less pain pills….so my question is…what are Mormons going to do?  Considering the abnormally high suicide rate…I am genuinely concerned for these people.  317 non-illicit drug deaths in 2007…DOUBLE the number of 6 years ago?  This pressure is growing stronger and more intense, especially with bankruptcies, foreclosures, and large families to support on one diminishing income–and if you take away Mormon’s only “legal” outlet, what’s going to happen?

I’m afraid.

So, Mr-I-don’t-have-any-pain-pills-at-my-house Mark Shurtleff, I commend you for taking that ONE step forward, for acknowledging the Mormon influence in this hot mess…because I’m sure you are going to get a lot of crap for it. 

If there’s one thing Mormons DO talk about, it’s about how NOT OPPRESSED they are.  Excuse me, it’s time for my yellow pill.

<This is one of my best friends, John, who I’ve known since 1996….taken in NYC…I consider him to be my favorite drug :)  >

SO…..if anybody’s reading this….my little sister Tiffany (I call her Tiffy Poo-Poo) responded with a comment to this post.  Now I’m not going to lie to ya–I drive my family crazy sometimes because of this.  And Tiffany is one of my favorites (I’m the oldest of 6) because this girl is not afraid to speak her mind to me, which I LOVE.  So, I’m responding in a post because I think it shows the complexities and dynamics of family members who leave–or try to leave–the Church, and besides- I have much better answers now than I did a year ago.  So, ummm……hi, internet!  Welcome to the family! Here we go.

Tiff : “Ummm what house did you grow up in. Yeah my mother had lots of kids because she wanted to and guess what I wouldn’t be here if she didn’t want to. My parents lived off of welfare for a while but made it on their own and know how to manage money very well. They never went bankrupt. They had 6 six kids and learned how to manage money but you have 0 kids and still can’t fathum how to manage money.”

Me: I am the oldest, Tiff is the fourth.  We did grow up quite differently.  I actually wasn’t trying to talk personally about MY economic situation growing up, but more of a general Utah/Mormon thing–which is why I quote Utah/Mormon articles rather than, like, my diary.  But with that being said, my parents did what was expected of them and they had kids in college.  So I remember the lean years whereas Tiff was around more when they were established. 

And yes, my mom did want all of us….although between you and me, I could have done without one or two-  hahaha, just kidding!  We actually do have a great time together.  Now this line is significant :”They had 6 six kids and learned how to manage money but you have 0 kids and still can’t fathum how to manage money.”  And Tiffany–now I can see what the problem is with me, and my lack of money…. and what is so different out here that you don’t understand.  I got married at 21, BJ was 20.  College isn’t nearly as big of a deal out there, BJ was the first to graduate in his family.  We both worked in Salt Lake for a couple of years before deciding to go to school.  We went down to Southern Utah University in Cedar City, Utah.  If anybody’s been to Zion’s National Park, or driven from Salt Lake City to Las Vegas, Cedar City is a small town inbetween.  Every time I would drive through there, I would say “HOW could anybody live here?  There are NO JOBS.”  Well, it turned out, I was right.  BJ had done a year there before, so we decided for him to finish up there.  I made a stack of resumes and went door to door down the main streets.  Nobody was hiring, and I ended up at a call center making nearly minimum wage.  Because we had made “too much” in Salt Lake the previous year, we didn’t qualify for any grants and paid for school ourselves, me supporting BJ through school.  We did a lot of things to get by, and we didn’t qualify for a grant the second year either (from Salt Lake $).  It was HARD.  I worked the call center, temp jobs, we had a business cleaning theaters…we scrambled but WE MADE IT.  Other married couples came from SL, and left because they just couldn’t afford it. One pawned their car radio for gas $$ to get home.  It was during this time that everybody was telling us to have kids, to help us out financially.  When you have a child in college, the state pays for it and you qualify for more things.  I felt uncomfortable with having kids when I couldn’t afford it on my own.  I got a lot of crap for that.  “If you wait until you can AFFORD it, then you NEVER will.”  So yeah, we didn’t have extra money to kick around.  But here’s what was said to us about it:  We didn’t have money because of our LIFESTYLE.  Because we drank.  Because we didn’t go to church.  In fact… there was one who was very vocal about this–you know who I’m talking about, Tiff–who said that was our “problem”–and if we only went to church and were more righteous we would learn to budget our money “properly” (meaning no alcohol, coffee, etc.) THAT was the reason.  (Incidentally–this person is in his 20’s, 3 kids…and now has $150,000 just in credit card debt alone. Yes, he goes to church. And yes, the big “B” is looming).  And I’m not angry at this person for thinking or saying so…that’s the belief that is reinforced in the culture, one that I truly believed in myself.  So I have been looked down upon all these years and I have felt bad about this and I took it to heart….I believed you all.  But guess what?

THAT WASN’T IT.  Tiff, do you realize that out here nobody is expected to get married in college…let alone start a family?  People here don’t have as many kids, and they PAY for their children to go to college.  They PAY for their children to live in dorms.  They PAY for their meal plans.  They BUY them cars, to get by. (Strictly speaking of members of my race/class).  And they expect them to graduate–even Grad school!  EVEN girls!!!  Tiffany, you are 25 years old and you have been married for 4 years and have a child….this is not typical out here.  And nobody is freaking out about it.  Walk around BYU campus and you hear 19 year old girls crying that they are almost 20 and not married–lamenting that they are “so old.”  Tiff- do you know how refreshing it is to hear somebody say-”I can’t be in a relationship right now–I’m ONLY 22!”  WHAT?!?  So when you all were feeling sorry for us not having money and blaming it on our sins–NOW I can see how amazing it was that we were able to do what we did, with such limited resources and NOT depending on the state or church welfare.  We did have a couple of “angels” help us out once when our fridge had defrosted and we had no food or extra $$ to replenish it–even without me paying tithing!  And you and other family helped.  So, yeah, we spent money on alcohol–not even at bars, just the cheapest crap you could find.  But can you SEE….that wasn’t the problem.  And out here everybody drinks.  It’s such a part of the college experience–we have this “Spring Fling” which is basically all the clubs get together and there’s booths and vendors and everybody starts drinking at 10 am and skip all their classes and it’s a big party.  HUH?  Tiff, have you ever HEARD of this before?  It’s like in the movies!  PG13 movies, of course….

And then after BJ graduated we decided to move to Philadelphia–bustin’ out of Utah in our little Honda Civic and whatever we could fit in it.  Coming straight out of school, I borrowed money from mom and dad.  We moved into an empty apartment and every dollar we earned had to go towards basic necessities–silverware, soap, towels, dishes–as well as paying the parents back.  I repaid them, then as we were just about to get ahead I decided it was MY TIME to go to school, and BJ supports me.  So yeah…you can look at it as I can’t “manage” money….or that under the circumstances we’re doing pretty damn well.  Most of the clothes I wear were given to me, my bed used to belong to an 8 year old boy, my silverware was $6 bucks from Ikea, my LoveSac is from my brother, we found a TV on the street and another was given to us (people have a lot of extra tvs, btw)–our biggest *splurge* thus far is a $300 kitchen table from Target.  And again, we’ve had help–my boss from Weight Watchers has been like a mother to us out here, and I really would have no clothes or shoes if she hadn’t given me her extras.  I have paid no tithing, I still drink coffee and alcohol–but I’ve had many blessings.  So here we are, back in school, paying for it ourselves (I didn’t qualify for a grant because I registered too late in the year) –hardly any extra money–but we’re doing the best we can under the circumstances.  Which is all I could expect of somebody with 6 kids, as well.  Supporting all of them is unreasonable.  That’s why I’m looking at the SYSTEM, and not just my parents.

And frankly, I’m angry that I got married so young.  Well, that’s not true.  I’m not angry that I got married so young, I’m angry that I (and the culture) thought I was SO OLD when I did it.  That when I turned 21 my other option was a mission (because I wasn’t married yet)–even though I wasn’t even going to church.  Or that when I got married everybody breathed a sigh of relief.  I would not take back the last 10 years of my life- for anything….I just think that nobody is really ready at that age.  And young couples are unknowingly being used, entwining themselves with the church forever.

 Tiff: “Our mother was a great mother in “mormon standards” she was at home made dinner, nutured all her kids. But she also made big on the “outside world” she was an avide sports fan and loved to play racket ball, she was an avid volunteer for groups that didnt’ involve mormons or church, She held her own partys inlo of her husband who hated parties. So to you I say women don’t sit around like a cardboard cut out in their homes doing what the “white man” tells them. If anything I think its the oppisite. Women are telling their husband whats going on what activities their going to do tonight . Women are making time for themselfves to fullfil their creatvitiy and imagination and knowlege.”

Me: Yes, I absolutely agree with all of this about mom–and I can see I never made that clear.  In fact, mom was a great mother, she did sacrifice a LOT to be one.  She dropped out of college to have us.  She volunteered and is an amazing organizer and planner, she has always exercised and is stronger than probably all of us.  But even she will tell you that isn’t “normal”?  She made an extra effort to be involved in the community outside of church and to take time for herself.  She was a great example.  In fact, the Mormon church gives women many responsibilities–and leadership roles as well.  (Lots of responsibility, no authority).  These women could run a company like nobody’s business.  Technically, I guess, they do.  My problem with that is that they are working these jobs for FREE.  And sacrificing their entire lives to build up this organization.  I guess if anything, it’s good experience.  Only not something you can put on a resume.  I’m just sayin’.

Tiff: “I’m going to school so that I can have a great career and that I can fulfil myself by helping others in social work. I make quilts with my husband, I paint with my son, I volunteer out side of church duties. I have a Kid (GASP) what the hell is so wrong with kids?? side note i HAVE NEVER FELT PRESSURED OR PUSHED IN TO HAVING KIDS. I have one kid and thats fine with me for now. I’ve never been told that I need to have more kids. There really is nothing in this world that is more selfless and that fulfills you as much as taking care of a child and teaching him about life and love and teaching him to be him selves and to listen to his voice inside and fulfil his own destiney. To experience life with him and be childlike with him. I can’t wait to watch him grow up and and be a valuable part of society.”

Me: That’s great to hear you are going to school!  Starting in the fall? Yahoo!  And I don’t have any problems with the kids that are born–your little guy is ADORABLE.  I love him to death and I always will.  And your big guy too!  How many Mormon men help their wives make quilts?  He is one of my favorites.  And I love all my little sisters kids.  Maybe you forgot that part of your temple wedding–that little commandment to “Multiply and Replenish the Earth”? Or really any of your Young Woman/Sunday School/General Conference/Relief Society meetings that deal with motherhood…and motherhood only.  I also wonder (I could be wrong here…tell me what you think)  how much more pressure you would be receiving if your husband was at church with you every Sunday?  My point is (for all Utah–not you)….why so fast?  Why so young?  Why not….wait?  Even just 4 years?  That’s all I’m asking for.  What is that going to hurt?  Get through college, then have kids when you have a career, when you can afford it?  I know this is a radical concept to you, and everyone out there, Tiff–but people here do it all the time.  And when you emphasize the self-lessness of having children, you are implying the selfishness of not having children.  I am not selfish for choosing to not have children right now.  That’s another repeated theme for the last 10 years.  There is nothing wrong with me wanting to wait until I’m ready.

Tiff: “I don’t fill like i’m a mouth and a vagina and thats all i need to be. thats the most degrading thing I’ve ever heard.”

Me:  I know, I was shocked myself when I said it.  Hey, if you ever see a link for a clip called “Two Girls, One Cup”–DO NOT CLICK ON IT.  It is not a video about learning to share.  Or at least, not anything you would want to share.  Wow. Moving on.

Tiff: ”If you feel that you are or you should be then i’m sorry you feel that way, truly sorry. Last point, you know The Secret when they talk about how you shouldn’t be against a cause but for a cause. So instead of “anti war” you should be “pro peace”. Well how can someone who thinks a whole state(utah) is one big fars and the LDS religion is all about money and surpressing women and all this negative crap yet you let it CONSUME you.”

Me:  This is fair.  This is one thing about leaving the LDS religion–it’s so much More than a religion, it’s not even funny.  It is very hard to re-wire your brain to think differently.  This is one thing that Mormons (I used to) use as another “proof” that that the church is true:  when people leave they can’t really “leave.”  This is why there are many people who don’t have testimonies of the church but stay in it.  It’s a long, hard path out.  Most are atheist, or agnostic at the end, or they go back because they don’t know what else to do–or it’s just easier.  Especially in Utah, you lose all kinds of networking contacts, family may dis-own you, your whole life is basically turned inside out.  In fact–I wouldn’t leave the church unless you were really really really serious about it.  Mormons are taught that people leave because they want to do a sinful behavior, so they do the behavior and then make up other reasons.  It’s not that simple, but it’s a good story.  I believed it.  They also believe that when you leave, (or are excommunicated) your countenance changes and you actually appear “darker.”  I like to say I’m just “tan”….hahahah.  ACTUALLY that is the most ironic thing, is this past few months I’ve had more people just randomly say how much lighter I look.  Weird.

And I LOVE the comment by Huatusca regarding the Church’s anti-gay-marriage stance and support.  Why didn’t they put all their effort on strengthening families instead?  That is an excellent point. 

Tiff: The website is supposed to be about positive things like sexy, healthy, wealthy it suggest pro peace inside of you. however its all about the LDS faith and how ridiculous and manipulative and stupid it is. Its all you talk about its all you think about, I don’t get it. So being sexy healthy and wealthy means i should hate the LDS religion.”

Me:  Actually when I bought this domain name, I intended to do something related to weight loss, since that is my background.  Then I started blogging about my thoughts, or discoveries….and so I can see how it might look like (to you) being sexy healthy wealthy means you should hate the LDS religion, but I prefer to speak the truth of it.  I’m just trying to figure out and analyze economic and/or oppressive systems and see how they function.  This just happens to be the only one I know of.  I’m sure I’ll move on to other things, I just type it as it comes to me. 

Tiff: “For someone who dispisses something so much you sure are giving it a lot of power over you. Which is sad because your all about empowering your self but yet you seem to be so lost in the LDS faith and in trying to disprove it rather then finding your self which is what your all about.”

Me: Sigh. Unfortunately it is such a big part of me–and especially moving to Philly and people asking me Utah/Mormon questions every day.  If I took out this part of me….I wouldn’t have anything to say regarding the last 30 years of my life.  But I really feel like I’ve now been given this tool to look at and question all systems, which is a good thing.  I know, Tiffy Poo Poo, radical concept.  It is very strange to not know what to think, when everything’s been laid out for you before.  I don’t know what’s real?  But I intend to find it.  Or at least the things that make me happy, my true authentic self and not playing a role, or pretending.

Tiff: “Crystal all i can say is you do have some good points I agree”

Me: THANKS!  Which ones, now?

Tiff: “ but that is where my free agency comes in I choice to listen to somethings and I choice to not listen and listen to myself when it comes to religion. I have choice I have not followed the religion to a “T”. I never once was told I had to date a RM and I never did. I was told not to have sex but I made a choice and did rebel but i was not outcast or punished. I have chosen everything I do in my life, I’m not dictated by “white Man”. I don’t follow blindy and you shouldn’t have either. So am I a latter day saint who does have agency who does have the spirit, which everyone does have. I believe somethings are true in my faith and other things I question but thats ok i’m not banned or deemed evil for my questions and for anyone who was i’m sorry.”

ME:  Okay, for the record—YOU WENT THERE.  I wasn’t going to use personal stuff on this blog, but you are a prime example of this, Tiff.  You didn’t see all the comments I received on this from a Woman’s Ex-LDS yahoo group, but one in particular was cool (well they all are–it’s nice knowing I’m not alone):

Valerie: “I was commenting about choice in the class and there was a High Priest who kept going on about how fortunate we were to have the right to choose.. and I wanted him to clarify what choice actually meant from the point of view of the church… and I said, “Well do you think that we have the freedom of choice to actually choose the wrong?”  and he paused and looked at me… mumbled a bit… didn’t know what to say…and I said, “Well I think you mean that we have freedom of choice BUT we actually don’t have the freedom to choose wrong if we are in the church.”  And he said, “Well… hmmm…. yes…. that’s it…. your right.”     Quiet in the classroom……. I laughed….. that was many years ago…. “

Me: So, Tiff–let’s be honest here.  Yes, you “made a choice” to start having sex.  How old were you, again…15?  And what was that you said when we asked you about it?  You flat out lied.  You lied.  Your sisters sat you down and said, Okay, Tiff, you can tell US.  We won’t tell ANYBODY.  You can trust us.  But did you?  NO.  Why?  What were you afraid of?  Being “outcast, punished, banned, or deemed evil?”  Because those were your options, weren’t they?  While the rest of us were getting in trouble just for coming home late (and not doing drugs, alcohol, or sex)…YOU knew how to play the game.  Your curfew was at 11, and you would skate in at 10:45.  There were years of your life that you performed, Tiffany, BE REAL.  You HAD to.  You had to play the part of the Molly Mormon, knowing full well that you had a secret.  Somehow you never got pregnant (?) or any diseases (?) because you didn’t believe in condoms.  You know what happens to those who tell, in their bishop interviews.  BJ was dis-fellowshipped for being honest in high school.  He couldn’t take the sacrament, sing in the ward choir, or graduate from seminary.  And everybody knows.  You can’t even hide your shame.  Our cousin (girl) was ex-communicated for living with her boyfriend–even though they weren’t having sex, it was the appearance of it that got her.  Ex-communication is a spiritual execution–and who is in charge of all that?  You would have had to tell not just ONE white male, but a few of them…in explicit detail, mind you….of exactly what, who, and where.  So yeah, you had a choice.  And you wisely chose to protect yourself.  And I don’t blame you one bit, Tiff.  That’s not what this is about.  I question the SYSTEM.

Another thing is you are taught that to have sex is “rebelling”….I’ve found that out here they call that “normal.”  My therapist says that in school they were actually given bananas and condoms and taught how to put them on….hahaha can you imagine?  Just a picture of a condom on a banana at Southern Utah University newspaper threw the whole school in a tizzy fit for a year.  I think the collective conservative business department’s head exploded (without a condom)(they just don’t know how dangerous that is). 

One last thing on this–your hubby was going to get baptized, you couldn’t wait that long, so ya’ll got married to have sex (of course you would have been married anyway–just maybe not as quickly?)(And I’m glad you did–love that guy!) …which is nothing shocking or extreme or unusual out there.  Everybody does that.  How else are you going to have sex?  What’s the point in being engaged longer than 3 months after you’ve just met?  It’s such a different world.  The point is - yes, you have the freedom to choose the right.

Tiff: “I love you sis i just think you should find your self with out religion and be “Pro Peace”.”

Me:  Love you too, and I like the Pro-Truth idea (Thanks Huatusca).  Because I feel free- and strangely enough, more peaceful than ever. 

Thanks, Tiffy Poo Poo…..tell your little guy hi for me.  He kind of reminds me of this kid:

 <this old pic is just a few of our siblings….we like to squish each other for some reason…good times…>

The headline reads “Utah Bankruptcies soar 56% from a year ago…..” Full article here

Utah has a teensy debt problem.  The Church has answers: in the last General Conference (a bi-yearly 2 day event full of hypnotic speeches and lots of oreos around the TV) Mormons were taught by Robert D Hales:

“Today I speak to all whose freedom to choose has been diminished by the effects of ill-advised choices of the past. I speak specifically of choices that have led to excessive debt and addictions to food, drugs, pornography, and other patterns of thought and action that diminish one’s sense of self-worth. All of these excesses affect us individually and undermine our family relationships. Of course some debt incurred for education, a modest home, or a basic automobile may be necessary to provide for a family. Unfortunately however, additional debt is incurred when we cannot control our wants and addictive impulses. And for both debt and addiction, the hopeful solution is the same—we must turn to the Lord and follow His commandments. We must want more than anything else to change our lives so that we can break the cycle of debt and our uncontrolled wants.

Being provident providers, we must keep that most basic commandment, “Thou shalt not covet” (Exodus 20:17). Our world is fraught with feelings of entitlement. Some of us feel embarrassed, ashamed, less worthwhile if our family does not have everything the neighbors have. As a result, we go into debt to buy things we can’t afford—and things we do not really need. Whenever we do this, we become poor temporally and spiritually. We give away some of our precious, priceless agency and put ourselves in self-imposed servitude. Money we could have used to care for ourselves and others must now be used to pay our debts. What remains is often only enough to meet our most basic physical needs. Living at the subsistence level, we become depressed, our self-worth is affected, and our relationships with family, friends, neighbors, and the Lord are weakened. We do not have the time, energy, or interest to seek spiritual things.”

Then there is a sad story about buying his wife a fancy coat to show his appreciation to her and the first thing she says is “Where would I wear it?”  For some reason I think that’s sad, but maybe I’m alone there.  I mean, where would she wear it? On a date?  Hahahahah….right.

Anyway…to continue the lesson….

“The foundation of provident living is the law of the tithe. The primary purpose of this law is to help us develop faith in our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. Tithing helps us overcome our desires for the things of this world and willingly make sacrifices for others. Tithing is the great equitable law, for no matter how rich or poor we are, all of us pay the same one-tenth of our increase annually (see D&C 119:4), and all of us receive blessings so great “that there shall not be room enough to receive [them]” (Malachi 3:10).”  Full article here.

So…let me get this straight…you’re not even going to address commanding young people into having kids they can’t afford.  You’re not even going to address one-income families because women need to stay home.  You’re not even going to address the lack of education for women that absolutely have to work.  You’re not even going to address the church as a part time job for most people, time that could be spent actually earning money to support all their kids. Really?

PAY YOUR TITHING!  10% of your income - BEFORE taxes goes to the church. 

Why on earth would these intelligent, loyal hard working people do such a thing?  They will tell you faith, they will tell you of countless blessings they have received as a result of paying tithing.  And I would have told you the same thing.

Until I reached a time, on my own, when I couldn’t afford tithing- I could barely afford rent.  I was working at a temp job, and kept very careful track of my hours and money earned.  One day I received a check in the mail.  They had sent me the same check twice.  When I tried to give it back to them, they refused.  They couldn’t take it back, with their computer system.  They said go ahead and cash it, so I did.

My roommates were overjoyed.  “It’s a good thing you pay your tithing!  SEE!  See how paying your tithing blesses you!  Good for you!  Yay!”

I couldn’t bring myself to tell them that I HADN’T been paying my tithing.  That somehow the Universe (or this benevolent computer glitch) had blessed me anyway.  And besides that, I was stunned.  And I can tell you many times of when I’ve been blessed, when money came when I needed it most.  I’ve always felt provided for–without paying any of my income to the Church.

So Mormons…..I was able to automatically give myself a full 10% pay raise….ASK ME HOW.

And don’t think that you Americans are any better in this area….what do you choose to spend YOUR money on that you’ve been told will make you happy?  Mormons are exposed to a powerful marketing plan with deep pockets. 

What’s yours?

<i took this pic in nyc, chinatown>

So one great thing about being Mormon and then stepping away from it is being able to look at everything around you with a new eye.  Because when you have to question your entire life and your entire reality as it has been shaped for you as a Mormon….you tend to question EVERYTHING else as well.  Who defines what’s real and what isn’t?  And what do they have to benefit from the belief they want you to have?

So one debate in my classes is about pornography.  There are great arguments, both for and against–in the woman’s perspective.  Some see pornography as a horrible act against women, and all women are victims of it.  Some see it as empowering to women, being able to freely express their sexuality.

But one comment made me stop. Wait a minute….I’ve heard this before–same thing, different words.

Here’s what it was: “There are some women who go their entire lives and only want to be in Playboy.” Basically, if that’s somebody’s *dream* in life, who are we to “put her down”?  Who are we to say she is oppressed, I mean, how could she be- if that is her desire and she is able to attain it?  And some will look at this woman as being able to express her sexuality on HER terms, she is declaring herself as a beautiful and sexual being–and the key word that is used is “AGENCY.”  She is FREE to do so, and we support her.

“Agency” has a history with Mormons, it started before we were all born.  Basically there was a war in Heaven (the Pre-Existence), before we came to the earth in our bodies.  Satan (who was a good guy, to begin with)(and our brother) had a plan that said, well, since Heavenly Father went to ALL THIS TROUBLE to create the earth, everybody born on it better do the right thing.  Or ELSE.  He wanted righteousness to be forced upon us.  Jesus (another brother) had a different plan.  He believed that we should have the right to choose between good and evil.  So there was this superhero battle, Satan lost and was banished from Heaven (Mormon version of it) and ever since then has spent all this time trying to lure sweet young virginal Mormons into pre-marital sex….hahahah, I mean–he was never able to have an earthly body and frankly, he’s pissed.  It’s like Donald Trump (God) said “You’re Fired”….and then “If I ever see you step foot in Manhatten again I will be so furious my last hair will come unglued.”  On top of that, he took like a third of all the spirit population that was on his side.  So Satan (and his buddies) are doing everything they can to make sure that us humans are MISERABLE, by lurking the earth and wanting us to sin.  Sin leads to misery.  It also leads to a skinny vanilla latte.  Or an appletini.  It’s all about Satan.

Dang it, can’t take the Mormon out of the girl….here I am raving on about the devil.  That reminds me, I have a birthday card from my Grandma that reads (I’m paraphrasing because I can’t find it right now):  “Dear Crystal, we love you.  It’s too bad Satan has a hold of you.  Happy Birthday, love Grandma and Grandpa.”  It is pretty funny.  OR she’s right.  Either way, at least she remembered my birthday.

So where was I? Mormons are proud of their “agency.”  They are proud of their “freedom to choose.”  This is something that was given to us.

“There are some women who go their entire lives and only want to be in Playboy.”  In Utah, women go their entire lives and only want to be a wife and a mother.  Why?  That’s basically the only option for us.  And here’s how they get you—-this is not seen as anything in the least degree of oppressive—why, it is an HONOR…a PRIVILEGE to be a wife and a mother.   When the Equal Rights Amendment proposal was gaining popularity across the country, in Utah women were taught that equal rights for women would actually be a step “backwards.”  (Hear about that here).   Now, think about this for a minute.  Being a wife and a mother (to MANY kids) is an extraordinary act of righteousness, selflessness–and brings a woman to a near angel status.  There is no greater way that a woman could honor this world, her holy calling–then by popping out as many kids out of her vagina as is humanly possible.  She is a blessed saint, “enduring to the end,” to fulfill her godly womanly aspirations.  Young women are not asked what they want to be when they grow up.  I am going to college as a 30 year old in Philadelphia and for the first time in my life, I have people actually asking me what I intend to do with my degree.  Like, they actually EXPECT that I’m going to college for a REASON.  This is such a foreign concept to me.  In Utah, the only reason to go to college is to find a righteous young man to marry.  Then you have babies and fulfill that beautiful womanly honor, and duty (all in the name of  “Agency,” mind you) only they really have no idea that there’s anything else for them out there.  I can’t tell you how maddening it is to see bright, intelligent young women in high school say “I don’t want or need to go to college.  I’m going to get married and be a mother.”  Or if they do go to college, it is a type of insurance plan for a future that may include the death of their husband, when they would be in the unfortunate position of having to take care of their kids as a single mom.  AGENCY.

So when I hear “Only thing they want to do in their life”….followed by something that only a woman can do with her uterus or vagina…I have to take a step back and say “WHAT THE HECK?”

Let’s break this down.  It is essential that Mormons feel as if they are given a “choice.”  They have “free agency” to do as they please.  But do they *really* have this “agency”?  Heck no.  They’re married and have kids before they even know what hit them…almost keeping them in a child-like state.  If they do realize, it’s too late.  Is that really agency?  And is that what all Mormon women *really* want out of life?  They will tell you YES, they will tell you that YOU are the oppressor by suggesting otherwise.  How dare YOU, an outsider, tell them what THEY want?  They know full well they can do what they want, and this is what they have CHOSEN to do.

And who benefits?  Read this.  The wealthy white males at the top of the corporation.  The Prophet, the 12 Apostles, the business team set in place to take over once America crumbles.

There is an excellent book called “Escape” by Carolyn Jessop.  She was a member of the Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints (FLDS), a polygamous group–the ones in southern Utah and Texas.  Actually, I believe, the ones that are portrayed in the compound of  ”Big Love.”  What is fascinating is that Mormon polygamous (OH I can hear the hushed screaming of Utah from here—THEY’RE NOT MORMON…DARN IT!)  are actually regular Mormons…but on crack.  Her polygamous lifestyle was a super concentrated version of Mormonism in general, complete with the superior attitude and distrust of outsiders.  And now that I’m outside of Utah…..I’m finding that Utah is actually regular America…but on crack.  The Mormon patriarchal lifestyle is a super concentrated version of Americans in general, complete with the superior attitude and distrust of outsiders.  The attitudes, beliefs, and gender roles in polygamous Utah get watered down in regular Utah.  The attitudes, beliefs, and gender roles in Utah get watered down in regular America.  If you want to study Patriarchy and its effects on society, study Utah and Mormonism.  And don’t think the rest of America is above that.  It’s still there….but in a watered down version.

Which brings me back to porn stars.  Women in Utah are excellent performers.  They have their roles they are expected to fulfill, and they do it.  They perform quite well.  They act like everything is great–SUPER, in fact.  They are on top of it all.  With a few pills here and there, they can be that perfect spouse, that perfect mother that they are “supposed” to be.  The more “righteous” ones, the ones that are looked upon as superior examples, are the ones that can perform the greatest.  You truly believe that they can have a half-dozen kids, have callings (jobs) in the church that take up all their time, and keep their house neat and tidy for visitors—ALL with a beaming smile on their face.  And a plate full of warm cookies.  And they “choose” this honorary life– the only requirement is a uterus and a vagina.  The wealthy white males in charge don’t expect much else.

The best porn stars are the ones that perform well.  They act like everything is great–SUPER, in fact.  They are on top of it all.  With a few drinks here and there, they can be that perfect lover, that perfect sex toy they are “supposed” to be.  The more “wealthy” ones, the ones that are looked upon as superior examples, are the ones that can perform the greatest.  You truly believe that they can have a half-dozen penises in their face, have every orifice in their body filled, and keep their bodies tight and hairless for visitors—ALL with a beaming smile on their face.  And a face full of warm cum.  And they “choose” this sexually expressive life– the only requirement is a mouth and a vagina.  The wealthy white males in charge don’t expect much else.

Who truly benefits from “Agency” given to women?

And what does it mean that Utah is the number one consumer of online porn?

Some of you may or may not have heard of a *little* series called “Twilight” written by Mormon’s own Stephenie Meyer…but as this article in the “Mormon Times” points out- she used themes and characters from her greatest literary influence–none other than The Book of Mormon.

I haven’t read the books myself, but I am familiar with the old Mormon story of “If you have sex before you are married you will probably DIE”……leaving thousands of Mormons all hot and bothered…and apparently selling a lot of books.

So to all you faithful readers out there who want nothing to do with Mormonism……

Gotcha Bitch!

<This…was…my two favorite fish>