Sexy Healthy Wealthy

I remember an object lesson we had at church when I was in a Young Woman’s meeting.  The teacher unwrapped a candybar, and passed it around the class.  We all had to hold it and touch it and pass it on.  After it made it’s rounds with the class, the teacher held up the candybar and asked us who would like to eat it now?  (I actually probably would have…but I’d eat anything, hahaha) So when nobody raised their hand, she gently explained to us that this candybar was like our bodies.  We need to remain pure and chaste, no sex, heavy kissing or petting before marriage–and if we DID, well….we were like that candybar that nobody wanted because it had been touched by all these people.

This is problematic for many reasons.  I’m going with the big ones:

1.  The statistics for child abuse is around 1 in 4 kids are sexually abused at some point in their life.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest it is much higher than that, only based on personal experience regarding people I know who were sexually abused as children who had not reported it to the police.  There are also stories, some documented in the newspapers, of perpetrators who come forward with a list of ALL their victims, and in reality only one of those victims themselves had ever said anything.  Sexual abuse is Prevalent.  I’m not going to comment on whether it is more common in Utah or not, because I don’t know.  Regardless–it’s there.

So when you have a Young Woman sitting there, being compared to a candy bar, who has *already* been defiled through no fault of her own….this is going to cause problems.  In any other situation, this would be viewed as a form of mental abuse.

2.  The Young Woman’s program has a new value introduced as of last December:  VIRTUE.  Which in interpreted as staying chaste.  You remain a virtuous woman by staying a chaste woman. 
Here is what one prophet, Joseph F Smith counseled: (and generally what we are told our whole lives)

“The law of chastity is one of the most vital importance, both to children, and to men and to women. It is a vitally important principle to the children of God in all their lives, from the cradle to the grave. God has fixed dreadful penalties against the transgression of his law of chastity, of virtue, of purity. When the law of God shall be in force among men, they will be cut off who are not absolutely pure and unsoiled and spotless—both men and women. We expect the women to be pure, we expect them to be spotless and without blemish, and it is as necessary and important for man to be pure and virtuous as for woman.” Prophet Joseph F Smith

<a href=”www.lds.org” target=”_blank”>www.lds.org</a>

What happens when you get married?   Say you stay chaste up to that point….on your wedding night are you no longer “pure”, “wholesome,” or “virtuous”?   When Virtue is defined as whether or not you have engaged in intercourse, this poses a problem for women that affects them throughout their married life, and their relationships suffer. 

Mormons can’t talk about sex, and HAVING sex certainly doesn’t change that.  So many suffer in silence.  Women are trained to be the “gatekeepers” of sexuality.  We are taught that we must be strong, and we must dress modestly not to tempt the men, it is up to us to make sure that physical relations don’t involve more than a light kiss.  We are warned that Satan will try to tempt us, that all sexual and “impure” thoughts is merely Satan trying to destroy us.  We fight those sexual urges–being told to “Guard your chastity with your very life”!  So we fight them and fight them, until our wedding day.  In five minutes, we are then told to go forth and have the sex, that we can now use our sexual and sacred powers to be like the gods we are…and yet…to switch sexuality from “Satan” to “Godly” appears to be rather difficult.  I don’t know if this is easier for young men to do, as I’m not one of them, but for women this is quite problematic and really causes unnecessary pain. 

Once you are married, and if you find it difficult to embrace this thing you have been fighting so long…the church has their answer for this newfound problem.  What is it?  Satan.  Again with Satan.  THIS time, Satan is trying his hardest to NOT WANT YOU to have sex, which will destroy your relationship.

I believe that when young men and women are to deny their sexuality at all costs, under threat of severe punishment, it leads to a de-humanization effect. I believe that this de-humanization is carried forth after marriage, even when it is “legal” to engage in sexual acts. Young mormons don’t know what that means. However, if a couple is married in the Temple, it is very important to show the world that they are blissfully happy, and satisfied in every way.

 
It is no wonder that Utah leads the country in the highest paid online porn consumption (taking a little break on Sunday)….porn in and of itself is dehumanized in nature, it’s two-dimensional. When young people are not allowed to connect with their sexuality in any way, it makes it difficult to EVER be able to. I think that forbidding masturbation, forbidding anything sexual in nature Is itself a form of sexual abuse. Rigid gender roles further exacerbate, and may even be the cause of the problem.

So now 12 step programs are formed, an end result of the Church recognizing that Utah has quite a bit of a porn problem. Rather than acknowledging a hand in the problem, the church turns once again to that ever present and popular scapegoat -Satan- to explain away the issues at hand. The church’s strict policies regarding chastity are not questioned, or gender roles, nor is there any responsibility for the social issues that occur as a result. Sobriety comes in the form of staying away from porn and masturbating. Masturbation has very serious consequences for Mormons and falls under one of those vile, un-godly sexual sins. All responsibility for sexual relations falls at the hands of the spouse. Since masturbation isn’t an option, sex turns into a potential nightmare for the spouse that may have a lower sex drive than the partner, usually (not always) the woman. It is important to the woman in particular—remember, her own salvation is at stake with her husband’s worthiness—to make sure her husband is that worthy priesthood leader, the head of the household. This poses a problem—and a bargaining tool for the man to hold over his wife’s head. He is in a quandary; he wants to be righteous, but he has urges that only SHE can fulfill for him. What to do? Beg, plead, nag, threaten….all sorts of tactics can and may be used. He is in the right, she is in the wrong. It is her wifely duty to keep him away from any other form of pleasure that may tempt him.

When young men look at pornography to learn what or how to do things….it poses another problem. Women are studied in the porn to see what they like, how they should be reacting, what pleases them. The problem is that porn isn’t real, these women are actors, and I have a feeling they just might not be as “into it” as they appear to be. I have a friend who had been previously married and then married a Mormon for her 2nd marriage. They waited until they were married in the temple to have sex for the first time, he being a virgin. I think the scene from the movie Zack and Miri Make a Porno is most likely what ensued—I almost peed my pants laughing watching Zack and Miri’s scene together, thinking of how this wedding night went down. Her husband only knew about sex from porn, and this led to disastrous results, which eventually led to the end of the marriage.

 
Many young people don’t realize that they may have sexual issues until they are married as virgins, and start having sex. Sex can bring up many emotions—guilt, anxiety, sadness, pain, joy, then guilt over the joy….it is something that has been feared for an entire lifetime. One or both partners may have been sexually abused at some point in their life, and not realize its effects until they are in the bedroom.
Still others may not realize until it’s too late that they just really don’t have that chemistry that they thought they did. Chemistry can be felt to a certain degree in a kiss….but sex is a full body experience that imagination or fantasy can’t fully explore. Many young women see a penis for the first time on their wedding night. They’ve never seen a hairy butt, either, hahahah.  They are fully unprepared for their partners body, let alone intercourse. Intercourse is never explained to a young couple, this is something that must be navigated on their own.

 
Young women in particular aren’t even aware of their bodies, themselves. When I started using tampons, (at age 22 or so….) I literally had to drink to do so….hahahah–which is horribly inconvenient. My little sister (who, it turned out, knew a thing or two about sex) had to explain to me and when my mother found out—yeah, she was a little upset, to say the least. “You should not know that part of your body until”—you ready for this? You’d expect it to be marriage, right? Nope. “You should not be that familiar with that part of your body until you HAVE YOUR FIRST CHILD”. When you literally have a HEAD pushing out of you-THEN it is okay to look. Who wants THAT to be the first glimpse of their own vagina? My mom, apparently, but she is not alone in this thinking and this is not about her. This is about a system of repression that begins at a very young age and is instilled in you through your entire life.

 
This is not to say that there aren’t couples out there who have an amazing sex life, who are fully comfortable with their own and each other’s bodies. They have managed to make it through life with no negative experiences that would manifest itself when they are together. I’m sure there are couples like that out there. Who have full communication with their partners, in what they like and what they don’t like, what works, what doesn’t, what turns them on or off. They may be in sync in every way.
But I’ve found that if you want to create an automatic following amongst young LDS men and women—talk about sex. Talk about it candidly and honestly. These kids don’t get that from anywhere. They have no resources, other than “worldly” ones (porn) so they really don’t know and are literally terrified of sex. Or of being “stuck” with a partner that ends up not liking sex. Or finding out that it really isn’t that great after all.

If I can help only ONE young woman out there to know this–

YOU ARE NOT A CANDYBAR.  There is NOTHING that you can DO that will change who you are as a person.  There is nothing that anybody else can do TO you that will change your divine worth.  You are a fantastic and amazing human being, and sexual thoughts and urges are part of being human.  Anything that you do sexually does not define your worth.  You are NOT worth less if you have engaged in any of these natural, human, behaviors.  Don’t ever forget that you are a divine being, no matter what.  You could have sex with hundreds of men (or women), and still be a divine being.  That does not define you.  You have an amazing power, something that many people want….but it’s YOURS.  Own it.

And when you do find somebody you want to share it with, be honest in what you like and don’t like.  There’s nothing worse than “faking it” your first time….when he’s doing that THING that you really hate….because, honey, you’re going to have to deal with that for years.  If you don’t even know your own body, you can’t expect a guy (or girl) to….so do yourself a favor and be clear on what feels good and what doesn’t.  Hahahah, trust me, that’s a rookie error.  But if you’re only doing this marriage thing once….honesty is key. Have fun exploring.

And if marriage isn’t your thing, same thing goes.  With any and all partners.  Be the goddess that you are, when you’re having sex or not.

And practice safe sex–Utah has a law against advocating for birth control and prevention–spreading the hysteria that “if you have sex you will get pregnant and diseases.”  Well, certainly you are at a greater risk than abstinence, BUT condoms are very effective.  Birth control is very effective.  Don’t think that being married is going to shield you from diseases.  You never know what your dear sweet partner could be doing behind your back…..

And if you DO get a disease….LIFE GOES ON.  It is NOT the worst thing in the world to have happen to you.  Trust me.  Just be safe.  Even married or committed couples with a partner with HIV can prevent the other partner from contracting it.  And there’s lots of fun ways to be safe. 

And if you are having sex and feeling guilty about it—OR having sex and NOT feeling guilty about it….there’s somebody else out there that has done the same and felt the same.

You are not alone.

**this pic was taken at the American Fork, Utah temple…where us sinners waited outside after flying across the country to NOT see my sister get married**