Sexy Healthy Wealthy

The temperature of their caffeine!

One time I *forgot* and ordered coffee with my breakfast when I was out to eat with a Mormon family.

I might as well have ripped off all my clothes and started masturbating on the table.

It was that bad. 

And yet….they couldn’t look away…..

**this is my cute sister who is clearly a VERY good mormon**

**and yes, it takes up it’s own place at the dinner table**

Warning sign of abuse #1-Pushes for quick involvement:  An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive committment almost immediately.

Anybody that has ever encountered missionaries can tell you this one.  Boys age 19 and girls age 21 spend their own money to serve a mission, supposedly called of individually by the Prophet.  You can’t pick where you go, which is unfortunate for my little brother who dreamed of South America but was instead called to the Detroit Michigan mission.  For TWO YEARS.  Sounds like a jail sentence to me, but he was…er….”thrilled.”

So there are a set number of “Discussions,”  I believe they now call them “Lessons.”  These missionaries have been extensively trained at the Missionary Training Center in Provo, trained on sales skills.  They prescribe to what’s called the Committment Pattern.  “Investigators” (those who are interested in the Church) are asked to commit to various things during each lesson, such as stopping smoking, drinking, going to meetings, etc.  On the third lesson they are asked to commit to baptism.

Which is GREAT, if you knew exactly what you were getting into….being a Mormon is not something you can just half-ass.  There are plenty of jobs to do.  And if you have any questions about the Church that are….problematic?  There’s something called “giving the milk before the meat”….which basically means they want you to FEEL good (think of the last movie you saw that made you cry….that “feeling” is what they call the “spirit” and if you cry that means you have it, and the missionaries high-five each other on the way out) because as long as they can get you to feel emotional about something then you won’t be asking any of the hard questions.

WHY is it so important to be a member before you know anything about the Church, even before you’ve had a chance to read the whole Book of Mormon?

Another way the church pushes for quick involvement is with marriage and starting families.  Utah has the youngest population in the US…members marry quite young and have children right away.  In the Temple, the young couple is commanded (not something you take lightly) to “multiply and replenish the earth.”  I can see how this was important when there were….TWO people, but billions?

WHY?  WHY not wait?  Why get involved so quickly….What is the rush?

I suspect it has more to do with money than their rush to get you into the Celestial Kingdom.  As I posted here, there are only a dozen or so men at the top of this multi-billion dollar corporate ladder- highly successful business men, and your 10% tithing goes directly to that asset column.  The sooner they can get you to “work” in the church the better.  If they can squeeze more Mormons out of you, you’re gold.

I conclude that Yes, the Mormon Church does exhibit this particular trait that is a warning sign of abuse.

<i took this pic in chinatown, new york city>

So there’s this lovely story floating around Utah Valley of a Mormon couple who were not married in the Temple.  This couple’s relationship was pretty rocky, and eventually the wife did something to end the relationship….and her life.  Mid-argument, she jumped out of the car while it was going 75 mph on the freeway.

But the story doesn’t end there.

In classic Mormon love story fashion, this couple was “sealed” together, in the Temple, for time and all eternity.  Even though she has left this earth for now, once her husband is dead they can now be together FOREVER.

This eternal love story makes Mormons swoon….but I tend to think differently.

Dude….she’s just not that into you.

**this is my brother ty who is hilarious**

**and his girlfriend is VERY into him**

**for the record**

Dear Abby has posted 15 warning signs of an abuser.  A woman had asked about her boyfriend that had become very controlling.  She counseled the girl that if any of the other signs, along with #3, applied to her relationship then she should leave immediately.    

Here is the list, and I wish to address each of these individually. 

1.  Pushes for quick involvement.  An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive committment almost immediately.

2.  Jealous:  Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits you unexpectedly.

3.  Controlling:  Interrogates you intensely (especially if you’re late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money, insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

4.  Unrealistic expectations:  Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

5.  Isolation:  Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble.”  The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car or try to prevent you from holding a job.

6.  Blames others for problems and mistakes: It’s always someone else’s fault if something goes wrong.

7.  Makes others responsible for his or her feelings:  The abuser says “You make me angry” or says “You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you to.”

8.  Hypersensitivity:  Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad.  Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

9.  Cruelty to animals or children:  Kills or punishes animals brutally.  Also, may expect children to do things far beyond their ability, or may tease them until they cry.  65% of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

10.  “Playful” use of force during sex:  Enjoys throwing you down or holding you against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

11.  Verbal abuse:  Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things;  degrades, curses, calls you ugly names.  They may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.

12.  Rigid gender roles:  Expects you to serve, obey, or remain at home.

13.  Sudden mood swings:  Switches from sweet to violent in a matter of minutes.

14.  Past battering:  Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person made him (or her) do it.

15.  Threats of violence:  Says things like “I’ll break your neck” or “I’ll kill you,” and then dismisses them with “Everybody  talks that way” or “I didn’t really mean it.”

**i took this pic outside the American Fork Utah temple, waiting outside with the other sinners, singing the Mormon hymn ”Families can be together forever”**

**just kidding on the singing….you don’t want to see mormons get angry….**

**….a lot of brow-furrowing**

LESBIAN GAY BISEXUAL TRANSGENDER QUEER

5 WORDS

34 LETTERS

LIFETIME OF….

ANGUISH

MISery

loathing

surRENDER

PEACE

FREEDOM…..

FREEDOM!!!!!!!!

**i took this pic in fishtown, near my house.  isn’t she a great model?**

I had this teacher in 8th grade, I’ll call him “Mr. Thomas”.  Mr. Thomas was a great teacher and loved what he did.  He was single, and kept a picture on his desk of a woman character on Star Trek.  I really liked him a lot.

One day, a friend and I were passing notes in class.  Hahaha….when I was a kid we passed notes with PEN and PAPER …Anway this girl had written stuff on the paper about Mr. Thomas.  And I don’t think she was serious about it, but I can’t remember….but on this paper there was a reference to Mr. Thomas being gay.

In 8th grade, I didn’t know any gay people.  My mom had a cousin who was gay, but I really didn’t know much about it.  And I only recently found out that my mom’s gay cousin has a profession–I only knew her as the gay cousin.  Like that was her career or something.  Anyway, all I knew about gays or Homosexuality was that it was a very bad thing to be.  Mormons are taught that homosexuality is like an addiction, and it can be overcome. 

So my teacher, of course, found the note.  My name was on it, the other girl’s wasn’t.

Mr. Thomas called me out into the hall during my next class.  I had no idea what it was about, I had no idea he had found the note, and I had no idea how he would react to it.

I will never forget what happened next.

After I walked into the empty hall, and the door shut behind me, Mr. Thomas broke down.  He didn’t just shed a delicate tear, he SOBBED.  In pain.  And I, this young, naive, arrogant girl was the cause of his pain.  I didn’t know what to do, or say.  I don’t remember how it ended. 

And I’m not saying that Mr. Thomas was gay, necessarily, because I don’t know, but whatever was on that paper clearly hurt him.  I had never seen this side of things before.  I had believed that gay people knowingly chose their sin.  I hadn’t even begun to imagine the sorrow that would come from being considered “deviant” by the Norm.

Out of shame and embarrassment I never told anybody this story.  When homosexuality was discussed in my home, I would fiercely defend it, and defend the people behind it….much to the dismay of my parents.  My dad and I would get into these huge arguments over it.  They thought I just wanted to fight about something.  But those sobs coming from my teacher in that empty hallway will always haunt me.

And I will always stand up for gay people.  The courage it takes to just be your authentic self in this homophobic society is something that straight people cannot comprehend, especially in a religious environment.  There is much pain and loneliness of “pretending” to be something you’re not, just to make somebody else happy.  And in certain parts of this country, there is a very real physical threat to being an openly gay person as well (yes–I’ve spent the day in an emergency room with a friend due to a homophobic rage).

So, “Mr. Thomas”,  I am so sorry…..and I thank you for having the courage to confront me and for allowing me to get a glimpse of the pain that I and maybe countless others have ever caused you.

**i took this pic in Utah, on the way to the Great Salt Lake**

When I was 17, I was friends with this girl who lived across the street from my grandparents in Orem, Utah.  I’ll call her Heather.  When we were growing up, we’d go to church together, and play together when I’d visit.  Her family was the typical Mormon family, like everybody else’s on that street.  But then her parents got divorced, and one of her brother’s friends started hanging out at the house.  The neighbors started to feel a little uncomfortable, these guys were clearly not the church-going crowd, and drugs were rumored to be over there.  Heather had stopped going to church, so I didn’t see her as much, and by then I had already made my own judgments about her family.

Then something crazy happened.  A body was found in a church parking lot.  A 911 call had been made from a young girl who had “found” it.  Eventually the whole story came out… Heather’s older brother was on heroin, and he had injected his girlfriend with it.  She died.  He didn’t know what to do, so he had his little sister, Heather, help him load her up in a sleeping bag and they drove around looking for a place to dump her body.  The  anonymous 911 call was made by Heather.  Her brother ended up going to jail, she was underage.

But what happened next, what I said and THOUGHT about the situation makes me physically ill to this day.  The neighbors were talking.  Some had found candles in their backyards, and they all came to the conclusion that Heather, who had gone through this traumatic experience that quite frankly, none of us could possibly comprehend-was now into satan and satanic rituals.

I remember saying….(oh this makes me sick…)

…I said that I thought it would have been better if Heather was dead, if Heather had physically died before any of this happened, because now she was not going to be able to go to the Celestial Kingdom with the rest of us.  She was screwed.  Her physical death would be much better than her spiritual death.

How Andrea Yates can you get?

And when I said that, nobody thought anything of it.  None of the adults around me thought that I had said anything disturbing in the slightest.  They may even have agreed with me.

But that’s how Mormons think.  And that’s how I thought.  And if I were to ever run into “Heather” again, I would give her a huge hug and tell her how sorry I am that I wasn’t there for her at a time when she needed support in her life, and not condemnation.

“Heather”….I’m sorry.  I am so sorry.

**this pic is my little devil, vegas**

**he promptly ran off and hid the costume after we took it off**

I remember an object lesson we had at church when I was in a Young Woman’s meeting.  The teacher unwrapped a candybar, and passed it around the class.  We all had to hold it and touch it and pass it on.  After it made it’s rounds with the class, the teacher held up the candybar and asked us who would like to eat it now?  (I actually probably would have…but I’d eat anything, hahaha) So when nobody raised their hand, she gently explained to us that this candybar was like our bodies.  We need to remain pure and chaste, no sex, heavy kissing or petting before marriage–and if we DID, well….we were like that candybar that nobody wanted because it had been touched by all these people.

This is problematic for many reasons.  I’m going with the big ones:

1.  The statistics for child abuse is around 1 in 4 kids are sexually abused at some point in their life.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest it is much higher than that, only based on personal experience regarding people I know who were sexually abused as children who had not reported it to the police.  There are also stories, some documented in the newspapers, of perpetrators who come forward with a list of ALL their victims, and in reality only one of those victims themselves had ever said anything.  Sexual abuse is Prevalent.  I’m not going to comment on whether it is more common in Utah or not, because I don’t know.  Regardless–it’s there.

So when you have a Young Woman sitting there, being compared to a candy bar, who has *already* been defiled through no fault of her own….this is going to cause problems.  In any other situation, this would be viewed as a form of mental abuse.

2.  The Young Woman’s program has a new value introduced as of last December:  VIRTUE.  Which in interpreted as staying chaste.  You remain a virtuous woman by staying a chaste woman. 
Here is what one prophet, Joseph F Smith counseled: (and generally what we are told our whole lives)

“The law of chastity is one of the most vital importance, both to children, and to men and to women. It is a vitally important principle to the children of God in all their lives, from the cradle to the grave. God has fixed dreadful penalties against the transgression of his law of chastity, of virtue, of purity. When the law of God shall be in force among men, they will be cut off who are not absolutely pure and unsoiled and spotless—both men and women. We expect the women to be pure, we expect them to be spotless and without blemish, and it is as necessary and important for man to be pure and virtuous as for woman.” Prophet Joseph F Smith

<a href=”www.lds.org” target=”_blank”>www.lds.org</a>

What happens when you get married?   Say you stay chaste up to that point….on your wedding night are you no longer “pure”, “wholesome,” or “virtuous”?   When Virtue is defined as whether or not you have engaged in intercourse, this poses a problem for women that affects them throughout their married life, and their relationships suffer. 

Mormons can’t talk about sex, and HAVING sex certainly doesn’t change that.  So many suffer in silence.  Women are trained to be the “gatekeepers” of sexuality.  We are taught that we must be strong, and we must dress modestly not to tempt the men, it is up to us to make sure that physical relations don’t involve more than a light kiss.  We are warned that Satan will try to tempt us, that all sexual and “impure” thoughts is merely Satan trying to destroy us.  We fight those sexual urges–being told to “Guard your chastity with your very life”!  So we fight them and fight them, until our wedding day.  In five minutes, we are then told to go forth and have the sex, that we can now use our sexual and sacred powers to be like the gods we are…and yet…to switch sexuality from “Satan” to “Godly” appears to be rather difficult.  I don’t know if this is easier for young men to do, as I’m not one of them, but for women this is quite problematic and really causes unnecessary pain. 

Once you are married, and if you find it difficult to embrace this thing you have been fighting so long…the church has their answer for this newfound problem.  What is it?  Satan.  Again with Satan.  THIS time, Satan is trying his hardest to NOT WANT YOU to have sex, which will destroy your relationship.

I believe that when young men and women are to deny their sexuality at all costs, under threat of severe punishment, it leads to a de-humanization effect. I believe that this de-humanization is carried forth after marriage, even when it is “legal” to engage in sexual acts. Young mormons don’t know what that means. However, if a couple is married in the Temple, it is very important to show the world that they are blissfully happy, and satisfied in every way.

 
It is no wonder that Utah leads the country in the highest paid online porn consumption (taking a little break on Sunday)….porn in and of itself is dehumanized in nature, it’s two-dimensional. When young people are not allowed to connect with their sexuality in any way, it makes it difficult to EVER be able to. I think that forbidding masturbation, forbidding anything sexual in nature Is itself a form of sexual abuse. Rigid gender roles further exacerbate, and may even be the cause of the problem.

So now 12 step programs are formed, an end result of the Church recognizing that Utah has quite a bit of a porn problem. Rather than acknowledging a hand in the problem, the church turns once again to that ever present and popular scapegoat -Satan- to explain away the issues at hand. The church’s strict policies regarding chastity are not questioned, or gender roles, nor is there any responsibility for the social issues that occur as a result. Sobriety comes in the form of staying away from porn and masturbating. Masturbation has very serious consequences for Mormons and falls under one of those vile, un-godly sexual sins. All responsibility for sexual relations falls at the hands of the spouse. Since masturbation isn’t an option, sex turns into a potential nightmare for the spouse that may have a lower sex drive than the partner, usually (not always) the woman. It is important to the woman in particular—remember, her own salvation is at stake with her husband’s worthiness—to make sure her husband is that worthy priesthood leader, the head of the household. This poses a problem—and a bargaining tool for the man to hold over his wife’s head. He is in a quandary; he wants to be righteous, but he has urges that only SHE can fulfill for him. What to do? Beg, plead, nag, threaten….all sorts of tactics can and may be used. He is in the right, she is in the wrong. It is her wifely duty to keep him away from any other form of pleasure that may tempt him.

When young men look at pornography to learn what or how to do things….it poses another problem. Women are studied in the porn to see what they like, how they should be reacting, what pleases them. The problem is that porn isn’t real, these women are actors, and I have a feeling they just might not be as “into it” as they appear to be. I have a friend who had been previously married and then married a Mormon for her 2nd marriage. They waited until they were married in the temple to have sex for the first time, he being a virgin. I think the scene from the movie Zack and Miri Make a Porno is most likely what ensued—I almost peed my pants laughing watching Zack and Miri’s scene together, thinking of how this wedding night went down. Her husband only knew about sex from porn, and this led to disastrous results, which eventually led to the end of the marriage.

 
Many young people don’t realize that they may have sexual issues until they are married as virgins, and start having sex. Sex can bring up many emotions—guilt, anxiety, sadness, pain, joy, then guilt over the joy….it is something that has been feared for an entire lifetime. One or both partners may have been sexually abused at some point in their life, and not realize its effects until they are in the bedroom.
Still others may not realize until it’s too late that they just really don’t have that chemistry that they thought they did. Chemistry can be felt to a certain degree in a kiss….but sex is a full body experience that imagination or fantasy can’t fully explore. Many young women see a penis for the first time on their wedding night. They’ve never seen a hairy butt, either, hahahah.  They are fully unprepared for their partners body, let alone intercourse. Intercourse is never explained to a young couple, this is something that must be navigated on their own.

 
Young women in particular aren’t even aware of their bodies, themselves. When I started using tampons, (at age 22 or so….) I literally had to drink to do so….hahahah–which is horribly inconvenient. My little sister (who, it turned out, knew a thing or two about sex) had to explain to me and when my mother found out—yeah, she was a little upset, to say the least. “You should not know that part of your body until”—you ready for this? You’d expect it to be marriage, right? Nope. “You should not be that familiar with that part of your body until you HAVE YOUR FIRST CHILD”. When you literally have a HEAD pushing out of you-THEN it is okay to look. Who wants THAT to be the first glimpse of their own vagina? My mom, apparently, but she is not alone in this thinking and this is not about her. This is about a system of repression that begins at a very young age and is instilled in you through your entire life.

 
This is not to say that there aren’t couples out there who have an amazing sex life, who are fully comfortable with their own and each other’s bodies. They have managed to make it through life with no negative experiences that would manifest itself when they are together. I’m sure there are couples like that out there. Who have full communication with their partners, in what they like and what they don’t like, what works, what doesn’t, what turns them on or off. They may be in sync in every way.
But I’ve found that if you want to create an automatic following amongst young LDS men and women—talk about sex. Talk about it candidly and honestly. These kids don’t get that from anywhere. They have no resources, other than “worldly” ones (porn) so they really don’t know and are literally terrified of sex. Or of being “stuck” with a partner that ends up not liking sex. Or finding out that it really isn’t that great after all.

If I can help only ONE young woman out there to know this–

YOU ARE NOT A CANDYBAR.  There is NOTHING that you can DO that will change who you are as a person.  There is nothing that anybody else can do TO you that will change your divine worth.  You are a fantastic and amazing human being, and sexual thoughts and urges are part of being human.  Anything that you do sexually does not define your worth.  You are NOT worth less if you have engaged in any of these natural, human, behaviors.  Don’t ever forget that you are a divine being, no matter what.  You could have sex with hundreds of men (or women), and still be a divine being.  That does not define you.  You have an amazing power, something that many people want….but it’s YOURS.  Own it.

And when you do find somebody you want to share it with, be honest in what you like and don’t like.  There’s nothing worse than “faking it” your first time….when he’s doing that THING that you really hate….because, honey, you’re going to have to deal with that for years.  If you don’t even know your own body, you can’t expect a guy (or girl) to….so do yourself a favor and be clear on what feels good and what doesn’t.  Hahahah, trust me, that’s a rookie error.  But if you’re only doing this marriage thing once….honesty is key. Have fun exploring.

And if marriage isn’t your thing, same thing goes.  With any and all partners.  Be the goddess that you are, when you’re having sex or not.

And practice safe sex–Utah has a law against advocating for birth control and prevention–spreading the hysteria that “if you have sex you will get pregnant and diseases.”  Well, certainly you are at a greater risk than abstinence, BUT condoms are very effective.  Birth control is very effective.  Don’t think that being married is going to shield you from diseases.  You never know what your dear sweet partner could be doing behind your back…..

And if you DO get a disease….LIFE GOES ON.  It is NOT the worst thing in the world to have happen to you.  Trust me.  Just be safe.  Even married or committed couples with a partner with HIV can prevent the other partner from contracting it.  And there’s lots of fun ways to be safe. 

And if you are having sex and feeling guilty about it—OR having sex and NOT feeling guilty about it….there’s somebody else out there that has done the same and felt the same.

You are not alone.

**this pic was taken at the American Fork, Utah temple…where us sinners waited outside after flying across the country to NOT see my sister get married**