I multi-task in the bathroom. Just sitting there seems like a waste of time. So I exercise my Kegel muscles, because I read somewhere that when you get old your VAGINA FALLS OUT. So to combat this horrific force of gravity, when I’m peeing I flex my Kegels. So it’s like, pee, stop, pee, stop, pee, stop. And on TOP of that, apparently when you get old your your FACE FALLS DOWN. So to slow down this process, I squeeze my face, starting with my neck muscles…so my mouth is tight and my eyes bulge out. This was explained to me by a professional as “Renee Zellweger’s face.”
Since I tend to do this all at once, (being the glorious multi-tasker that I am) if you were to see a video of me peeing in the bathroom, it would appear that my peeing is an excruciating process.
Just so you know, Mister Bathroom-Camera-Pervert:
I’m WORKING.
Which reminds me…there is a certain restaurant in Philadelphia, a fancy Steven-Starr restaurant, that features two-way mirrors in the bathrooms. Imagine all the things that you do in the bathroom mirror when you think you are completely alone and nobody is watching, and now imagine that the “mirror” is actually a window to a hallway, where EVERYBODY CAN SEE YOU. Now imagine that I’ve been there five times before I figured that out.
DANG IT.
Actually, I can’t credit myself for figuring that out, Bejus did the first time he ever went there. So then we sat and watched the boy’s bathroom “mirror,” where unsuspecting men picked at their teeth, wiped a stain off their shirt, and one even whipped out a camera and took a picture of himself. (Okay, that one was my unsuspecting friend). You can actually see into the urinals in the boy’s bathroom, I KID YOU NOT. Can you believe that? In a big city, that’s “modern.” In a small town, that’s a “felony.”
**this pic was taken near my house, in Fishtown, with my brother-in-law’s brother, who i love like my own**
