Sexy Healthy Wealthy

I have the cutest mom in the whole world.  The reason why I say she is the #1 cutest mom in the whole world, is because she will NOT settle for #2.  My mom is extremely competitive. 

A couple of years ago, my mom, sister, brother, 7 year old nephew and I went for a rowing trip down a river in New Jersey.  It wasn’t a wild rapid river by any means, in fact it was almost excruciatingly slow-moving…very “leisurely”.  So my nephew and I were in a boat, and my mom and brother were in another boat.  My boat encountered a fallen tree, to which there was nothing to do but just topple over after getting smacked in the head by it.  Oh yeah- I can’t swim and PANIC in the water.  So here we are, our peaceful excursion turning into a dangerous nightmare that left me and this little kid clinging for our lives….and I look up just in time to see my own mother lean forward to my brother and say the following–I KID YOU NOT:

“Hurry up!!  This is our chance to pull ahead!”

WHAT?!  We were in a RACE?? 

My mother grew up in Utah, and as a good Mormon girl has never uttered a “feminist” word…she just unleashes it all in racquetball.  Many a man has fallen to her wrath at being told that “girls can’t play racquetball.”  My sister’s husband #2 made this mistake.  We were in the kitchen, she said something about the game and he made some flippant remark and I think that the swiftness with which her sweet demeanor changed left everybody in the room reeling, us frantically motioning behind her to this guy that he better SHUT UP NOW OR HE’LL BE SORRY.  This woman has absolutely no mercy on the court.  She relishes playing against men, and creaming them to a bloody sweaty pulp.  It’s entertaining and rather inspiring as well.

This picture was taken on our way to a state park in Utah…this is her foot (barefoot, of course) and I like to think that the reason that she has it outstretched like that is so that she could reach the park “first.”

So one day we are playing a word game at the dinner table.  Using her letters, my mom spells out the word “C-U-N-T.”  My mom has no clue what this word means, and when my father objects to it her competitiveness kicks into FULL GEAR, which included her pounding her fist on the table and insisting that “CUNT IS A WORD, DARN IT!”.  And of course the more intense she became, the funnier the whole thing was with me and my brothers trying not to pee our pants laughing.  She didn’t know what it was but she KNEW SHE HEARD IT SOMEWHERE AND SO IT IS TOO A WORD.  Finally she realized that her kids were laughing, and her husband was not.   So then she put two and two together, and came up with her own definition of the word.  She determined that we were laughing because it was “a drug thing.”  “Drugs” in Mormon-speak is a sinister name for “weed.”  I think that she ultimately confused the word “cunt” with the word “bong.”  And we were not about to set her straight.

We just waited for the day when my mother would frantically call and inform us that she had found the little cunt that my brother was hiding under his bed.

**this pic was taken in Utah near the Great Salt Lake, and yes, those are my mom’s real toes.**

If you don’t think this is the cutest creature you’ve ever seen then you probably eat babies.

**this pic was taken in my house of my dog Vegas, who is in fact, a snuggly monkey butt**

I multi-task in the bathroom. Just sitting there seems like a waste of time. So I exercise my Kegel muscles, because I read somewhere that when you get old your VAGINA FALLS OUT. So to combat this horrific force of gravity, when I’m peeing I flex my Kegels. So it’s like, pee, stop, pee, stop, pee, stop. And on TOP of that, apparently when you get old your your FACE FALLS DOWN. So to slow down this process, I squeeze my face, starting with my neck muscles…so my mouth is tight and my eyes bulge out. This was explained to me by a professional as “Renee Zellweger’s face.”

Since I tend to do this all at once, (being the glorious multi-tasker that I am) if you were to see a video of me peeing in the bathroom, it would appear that my peeing is an excruciating process.

Just so you know, Mister Bathroom-Camera-Pervert:
I’m WORKING.

Which reminds me…there is a certain restaurant in Philadelphia, a fancy Steven-Starr restaurant, that features two-way mirrors in the bathrooms. Imagine all the things that you do in the bathroom mirror when you think you are completely alone and nobody is watching, and now imagine that the “mirror” is actually a window to a hallway, where EVERYBODY CAN SEE YOU.  Now imagine that I’ve been there five times before I figured that out.

DANG IT.

Actually, I can’t credit myself for figuring that out, Bejus did the first time he ever went there.  So then we sat and watched the boy’s bathroom “mirror,” where unsuspecting men picked at their teeth, wiped a stain off their shirt, and one even whipped out a camera and took a picture of himself.  (Okay, that one was my unsuspecting friend).  You can actually see into the urinals in the boy’s bathroom, I KID YOU NOT.  Can you believe that?  In a big city, that’s “modern.”  In a small town, that’s a “felony.”

**this pic was taken near my house, in Fishtown, with my brother-in-law’s brother, who i love like my own**